Who's Tony Parker, Now?
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by JTStally
Ask anyone: "Who's Roger Federer?"
The person will tell you he's the best tennis player in the world.
True enough. Federer has been ranked No. 1 since 2004. He recently won a record-tying fifth consecutive Wimbledon, the most prestigious tennis tournament (and the equivalent to the Masters in golf). He's won seven of the last nine Grand Slams and made it to the finals in the other two. He's won three consecutive U.S. Opens and three of the last four Australian Opens. At no point in Tiger Woods' golf career has he ever been as dominant as Federer is in tennis (and that's not a shot at Tiger).
Now ask, "Who's Tony Parker?" This question will bring a whole new meaning to the idea of "Who, Now?"
"Who?" my parents responded.
"Who the f--- is that?" asked my friend, who has a sports knowledge of minor league baseball that Brian Cashman would envy.
...I'm sure you've gotten similar puzzled looks.
In case you, yourself, don't know who Tony Parker is (and there's no shame in that): he's a decent NBA point guard, who had a hot series in the 2007 NBA Finals, and won the NBA MVP in the least watched Finals in the history of the Association.
But, as ESPN's "Who's Now" panel of Michael Wilbon, Kirk Herbstreit, and Keyshawn "Just Throw Me The Damn Ball" Johnson will tell you, Parker happens to be the greatest man on Earth because he just got the church's approval to sleep with Desperate Houswife, Eva Longoria, for the rest of his life.
This criteria was so important to Wilbon, Herbstriet, and Johnson, that they overlooked Federer's ability on the court for Parker's ability in the sack.
Are you serious!?! You really call yourself experts!?
"How is Federer not now when he is the most dominant athlete in sports?" asked shocked host, Stuart Scott, after Keyshawn pointed out how tennis is not a "hot" sport since Andy Roddick isn't winning (a good point I made about ten months ago [1], but a hypocritical argument considering the NBA Finals just recorded an all-time low 6.2 rating [2]).
Herbstreit responded that Federer might be the best tennis player ever and that Tony Parker wouldn't even be on this list if it weren't for Longoria...then he voted for Parker, proving that ESPN hires him more as Lee Corso's caretaker than as a sports analyst.
I can guarantee in two months this would have been as big a run away as Tiger Woods (90% of votes) was over Matt Leinart (10%). And, if we're accounting for women, Leinart has been "linked," which more or less can be taken literally, to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears...Skanky? Sure, but still googled as much as Longoria.
"How can I go against Eva Longoria?" Wilbon asked. Because, Michael, she doesn't even play sports! As Scott said, "you guys are upsetting a two-seed (Parker was a seven-seed) for someone who's not even in this [competition]!?"
"That's what they think, you gotta let us know what you think," Scott told the TV viewers, and here's the most embarrassing part for these "experts": the voters didn't buy the shallow, flavor-of-the-week, Longoria hype.
In the first round, the panel made up 30% of the vote and, despite all three analysts voting for him, Parker got only 56% of the support. This means that Federer actually got 63% of the votes (44%/70%)....I haven't seeing voting this corrupt since Florida's "Hanging Chad."
In their defense, the commentary was filmed before Roger won his fifth-straight Wimbledon and voters voted a week after. In my defense, that really doesn't change the situation.
Federer was more than Parker five years ago, he's more than Parker now, and he'll be more than Parker five years from now. Fifty years from now, when Eva Longoria is old and wrinkly with her white hair and saggy extremities, and no one remembers, nor cares who Tony Parker was, people will still be comparing tennis players to Roger Federer: the way golfers are compared to Jack Nicklaus; baseball players to Willie Mays; and, football coaches to Vince Lombardi. Herbstreit's right about something, Federer could turn out to be the best tennis player in the history of the sport; Tony Parker didn't even start for the Western Conference All-Star Team.
To my relief, Michael Wilbon said, on "Pardon the Interruption" before the start of the "Who's Now" second round, that Jessica Biel had taken his place on the panel. Good grief, someone who's been around the acting world long enough to know how much of a farce these celebrity weddings are: five bucks for anybody who knows who Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise are currently "linked" to.
Ten bucks for anybody who cares.
And, while I'm throwing around money: fifty bucks for anybody who, even after reading this, knows what sport Tony Parker even plays (and, NO!, "Eva Longoria" is not the answer.)
=== For more articles, visit my blog at http://jtstally.blogspot.com
