The NFL's Turkey of the Year, and More
| 18
|
by MegECass110
THE TURKEY: Michael Vick
=Before it gets cooked in the oven, it's slathered in God knows what and stuffed to the point of explosion. Then everyone enjoys feasting on it, then falls asleep afterward. This one's not even close. Before the dogfighting case, I called him the most overrated athlete of my generation. Turns out my opinion of him would only decrease. I understand we live in a forgiving society where everyone deserves a second chance. But personally, I will never look at him in a positive light again. Not that I looked at him with one in the first place.
THE STUFFING: Adrian Peterson
It seems like every family has a different recipe, with different ingredients and spices. It tastes different with every Thanksgiving, but it's still always really good. Peterson is the next great running back in the NFL, with an ideal blend of size, speed, power, vision, catching the ball, and whatever else a tailback needs to amazing (someone called him a 7-tool player the other day). He can beat a team with so many skills, and he's come through just about every week for my fantasy team. This year's perfect antidote to one the biggest, most horrible Turkeys in recent memory.
THE MASHED POTATOES: Braylon Edwards
A side bar to how delicious the turkey is, but delicious none the less. Makes you feel good every time you eat 'em. Braylon Edwards is having a breakout season and burgeoning into one of the league's best wideouts. But the big reason he's the Mashed Potatoes is the story of his relationship with 15-year-old Denzel Douglas. Douglas died from heart complications two days before the Browns played the Rams, and Edwards dedicated his game (117 receiving yards, 2 touchdowns) to Douglas. Edwards also paid for Douglas' funeral because his mother couldn't afford it, and visits with her frequently. Tom Rinaldi's story on it this morning made Braylon look as deliciously soft as mashed potatoes themselves.
THE GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE: Vince Young
So you're eating a vegetable. You think, Great, I'm eating a vegetable. But that vegetable is covered in deep-fried onions and sodium-in-a-can mushroom soup, which are really the only reasons you eat it in the first place. Yeah, the Titans are 6-2. But Young has been bad. Like, really bad. He's thrown for less yards than Steve McNair and Trent Green, and his QB rating is second-to-last in the entire league. If LenDale White hadn't emerged, the Titans would be knee deep in mushroom soup. I can't imagine that would be very pleasant.
THE CRANBERRY SAUCE: Randy Moss
A fruit typically sour gets turned into something so sweet. Moss's time in New England, on and off the field, has silenced many of his critics. His play has been the best I've ever seen by a receiver in my 10 years or so as a legitimate football fan. I have never seen anyone with better hands, do crazier things with his body to catch a football, or overcome double or even triple coverage. He has not, and hopefully will not, be stopped for the rest of the season. And he seems to be very happy with his team and his quarterback. He's a free agent at the end of the year; this is where I beg to no one in particular to re-sign him. The question is, will the sauce keeps its consistency or fall into someone's lap and destroy their pants?
THE DINNER ROLLS: The Colts
Seemingly ordinary, boring, served many times over the course of the year, you always think you have too much, but you keep eating them anyways. Everyone had their season's helping of the Colts last week with the uber-hype for the Patriots game. And I'm sure they'll get plenty more if they meet again in the playoffs. But they will still win a lot of games--one game does not a season make. Peyton Manning will put up great numbers, Reggie and Marvin will remain the NFL's best one-two punch at receiver, and Bob Sanders will still hit the snot out of people. All the while, the team will probably get overlooked by the Pats' pursuit of history. Until then, I'll keep eating the rolls until I don't want dinner.
THE CORN: Derek Anderson
Sweet, crisp, better than most other vegetables, but one shaky fork away from being a giant mess. I've been waiting, and I think other people have been too, for Anderson and the Browns to hit the skids. It's fantastic what Anderson his very young arsenal of weapons (mashed potato Edwards, Kellen Winslow, and Jamal Lewis, who's much younger than I thought at 28). I'd love for them to keep it going (they're beating the Steelers right now). But if Edwards or Winslow gets hurt, Anderson will really have to step it up. Let the niblets fall where they may.
THE APPLE PIE: Tom Brady
The finishing touch, the perfect ending, hot, sweet, All-American, you enjoy it despite the fact you think it's impossible to eat much more. Is there anyone out there, at any position, having a better season than Brady right now? Peterson is close, but Brady is having a season unlike any other. He leads the league in passing yards, passer rating, TD passes, and completion percentage, basically the Quadruple Crown as far as QBs are concerned. I am enjoying Brady's season more than anyone. Pass the vanilla ice cream.
THE LEFTOVERS: Brett Favre
Old, but still really awesome eating them two or three days later. Turkey noodle soup or, my personal favorite, taking all of the food listed above (with the exception of the apple pie) and putting it between two pieces of bread for a monstrous, borderline inedible sandwich. Favre was borderline retirement at the end of last year, with all the analysts calling him washed up. But this year, Favre has been heated up in a microwave and has made the Packers one of the league's biggest surprises, and one heck of a turkeystuffingcranberrysaucemashedpotato sandwich.
Great, now I'm hungry...
Forgot one, however.
THE DINNER END PRODUCT RESIDING IN THE TOILET: The Miami Dolphins and St. Louis Rams