The Crystal Ball of Sports
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by user Coreyisarealboy
Many of you don't know this, but I am a self-diagnosed psychic. True story. I prefer to keep it under wraps, but I saw some interesting things ahead for the world of sports concerning recent events that I thought I should share (Spoiler Alert!):
Segui Speaks
Former major leaguer David Segui declared that he used HGH legally, becoming the latest on a fast-growing list of mediocre MLB players, topped by the immortals, Ryan Franklin, Alex Sanchez, Juan Rincon and Jason Grimsley, to have either tested positive or outed themselves concerning performance enhancing drugs.
Current Status: With all the middle of the road talent emerging in the steroid scandal, two questions immediately come to mind: (1) Would these guys simply have been subject to careers in the minor leagues without the juice? Or (2) if all the crummy players are being exposed, then what, pray tell, are the superstars using? Major League Baseball will no doubt be hoping for the former.
Future Expectations: In keeping with the trend at first, Ben Grieve, Chad Kreuter, and Bobby Ayala are among those who admit using performance enhancing drugs before the Grimsley revelations grow legs and finally confirm everyone's suspicions--Albert Belle: steroid user.
Ozzie Spews Hot Fire (Again)
Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen called Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti a "[expletive] fag" after Mariotti called Guillen out concerning the demotion of rookie reliever Sean Tracey.
Current Status: Guillen has since been fined for his latest classy profanity-laced tirade and will now be forced to attend sensitivity training, although he has stated he will continue to speak his mind whenever he pleases.
Future Expectations: When the White Sox implode due to their uncontrollable manager and fail to reach the playoffs, Ozzie responds to backlash from the city with a "Go f--- yourself, Chicago," followed by a clearly shaken A.J. Pierzynski stating that his manager has a "poop mouth" and he "hates him."
United States Ousted from World Cup
The United States soccer team finally managed to score a goal for itself in its last game, but still lost to Ghana, 2-1, ending the U.S.'s lackluster performance in the World Cup after many expected this to be the best team the U.S. has ever fielded.
Current Status: Coach Bruce Arena has already called himself an idiot (stating what all of us were thinking anyway) and is unsure whether he will be around for the 2010 competition. The U.S. became an utter embarrassment after being highly touted in the month leading up to the World Cup.
Future Expectations: Soccer in the United States becomes the Brokeback Mountain of sports in 2010, critically acclaimed once again but a not-curious-enough audience largely ignores it while making "We are a sleeping giant" the sports version of "I wish I knew how to quit you."
Brown Out, Zeke In
The New York Knicks have now taken the "you broke it, you bought it" approach to their head coaching position by firing Larry Brown and instating general manager and resident saboteur Isiah Thomas as the new head coach.
Current Status: The Knicks are in more disarray than the Yankees' outfield, Mark Cuban's multiplying personalities, and Iraq combined. Nothing short of a miracle will help this team.
Future Expectations: Call Isiah Thomas "Miracle Worker." The Knicks immediately respond and win 50 games before being booted from the playoffs by LeBron and the Cavs.
Just kidding. This team is doomed.
Other Tidbits of Note
- In a monumental agreement, the Cincinnati Bengals and the Ohio Department of Rehabilitation and Corrections strike a deal to rename Paul Brown Stadium "Cellblock E Stadium."
- The Miami Heat will the 2006-07 championship in five games over the Los Angeles Clippers as Dwyane Wade goes 0-95 from the floor but 243-261 from the free throw line.
- The 2007 Major League Baseball All-Star Game starters consist of all eight position players from the Yankees and Mets as fan balloting proves once again that it is without a doubt the most surefire way to vote in the most deserving players.
Date
Fri 06/23/06, 6:39 pm EST
