Super Scenarios - What Might We Be Looking At?
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by user Manny Stiles
OK, so all of my Super Bowl predictions,
hypothecations
and hopings were a little off, I mean... have crumbled by the wayside.
Chicago Bears vs New Orleans Saints
A.K.A. "the Ditka Bowl"
Both of Coach Mike Ditka's former teams square off in a battle of the NFC Darlings.
The Bear-lys come into the game on the schizophrenic arm of Rex Grossman, a Defense that is respected by everyone (except other NFL teams and players) and a special teams that scares dumb teams into making them look even better than they really are. I think the prospects of Super Bowl partying may inspire Rex to be on the top of his game.
The New Orleans Saints come in as America's Team. With Purdue Alum Drew Brees at QB, weather shouldn't be a factor too much there. In fact, I can't believe we ever treat weather as a true "Home Field Advantage". It's football, dammit! You play now and feel pain when your career is over! These pussies have hand warmers, high tech heaters and warm benches to keep their sacks dry. What did they have in the Ice Bowl? Vince Lombardi's screaming, fiery breath, that's it!
Hell, even the cheerleaders aren't scurred of a little nipply weather.
Weather will not be a factor.
History, however will be a factor. Well, it sounds good when you say it like that, anyway. The Saints have won all of TWO playoff games in their history, both at home. In other words, the Saints have never won a road playoff game. Of course, they've never been to a Super Bowl, either... so the two birds, one stone cliche enters the room and takes a seat...
More history: The Bears have been to a total of ONE Super Bowl, a victory by the way, oddly enough in New Orleans over the Patriots in 1986. Overall, the Bears are 12-11 against the Saints, including 1-0 in the playoffs.
More history yet: It seems like the Bears last home playoff win (before last week's eek-er over the SeaGawks) seems like it's also been since 1986... nope, it was against... you guessed it! The New Orleans Saints (in 1990)!
The outcome: Since everyone is talking about the Bears defense, Devin Hester's Dante Hall impression, Drew Brees and the Saints rookies... I figure the game will be won on a last second safety by an aging player no one ever heard of before. Final score 43-42.
New England Patriots vs. Indianapolis Colts
A.K.A Tom Brady vs Peyton Manning
I'd like to call this the Vinatieri vs Brady game. Everyone talks about how great Tom Brady is and how he is such a winner. I would like to state for the record, Adam Vinatieri won more Super Bowls with his leg than Brady did with his arm. Everyone states how great Brady's postseason record is, well Vinatieri's is BETTER! Brady has won ONE playoff game without Vinatieri. Vinatieri has been to more Super Bowls, won MORE playoff games and played under better coaches (with Bill Belichick a wash, add Bill Parcells and Pete Carroll to Vinatieri's list) than Brady. Not only that, but Adam Vinatieri's career passer rating blows Brady's OUT OF THE WATER! (Go ahead, look it up)
All this taken into account means only one thing: Vinatieri will shank a last second game-winning FG attempt, cause the Colts to lose and Peyton Manning will become a serial killer within hours of lipping "he missed it..." once again.
Maybe Peyton's method will be a rifle and high tower, maybe it will be a random public area mowed down by automatic gunfire; I'm kinda hoping he just goes around strangling people and screaming "WHO'S CHOKING NOW???!!!". I'm willing to bet he finds Mike Vanderjagt during his spree just for "kicks"...
Obviously, I'm rooting for the Colts to win so we can squash a few lingering items such as 'Manning is a choker and will never win a big game', 'the Pats are the greatest team ever slapped together under a salary cap' and 'Belichick is to sweatshirts as Einstein was to haircuts'. Also, when the Pats don't make it to the Super Bowl (making it impossible to WIN the Super Bowl) I will then win a few challenges that will create some interesting reading around here...
History lesson: Ah, history... the Pats have THAT on their side, with their historical dominance over Peyton Manning and the Colts, OOPS! The Colts are riding a two year winning streak over the Bolt-thrashing Patriots. To be fair, both of the Colts last two victories over the Pats have happened in New England, so all bets are off in the dome.
More history: The Colts haven't been to a Super Bowl since.... 1971 (I wasn't even alive yet - at least not in my current incarnation)! It was then that the Colts won one of the MOST dramatic Super Bowls and one of the closest, ON A FIELD GOAL... eery? Merely coincidence? To be fair, the Colts haven't gakked away a Super Bowl since Don Shula left for Miami. Overall the Patriots clearly own the Colts with a 41-26 all-time record, including 2-0 in the playoffs.
More History yet: The Patriots have never beaten a NFC North (formerly, Central) team in the Super Bowl, but are undefeated against all other NFC divisions, wonder who THEY'RE rooting for?
The Outcome: Well, since everyone is talking Manning vs Brady, all about the kickers, how great a coach Belichick is and how the Colts can't stop anyone on D, either way it'll end up being a blowout snoozer (though maybe not quite the one I predicted months ago) with special teams, penalties and fumble recoveries creating all of the scoring and I won't get my last second Vinatieri scenario.
On To The Possible Super Bowl Scenarios
Chicago Bears vs New England Patriots
Didn't we already do this one? It was a laugher the first time, but this matchup would be pretty tough for me to watch again. Of course the football gods love ugly Super Bowl rematches (Dolphins-Redskins, 49ers-Bengals, Cowboys-Bills or the "Ughhh Triumnervate", Cowboys-Steelers). How is it that in a league with (now) 32 teams including a bunch which have switched conferences, there have been so many rematches between franchises?
Again, the Pats are 0-2 against NFC North (formerly Central) teams.
I like fresh teams in the Super Bowl (even those with ugly unis - SeaGawks), so I'm rooting against rematches. Of course, this scenario just got another reason to be the favored outcome... the long-rumored "Manny Stiles Jinx".
If it ends up Pats beating the Bears in the Super Bowl, I'll have some work to do, so here's rooting for supreme laziness! Of course, the Pats are 7-4 all-time vs the Bears (including the Super Bowl loss)
Chicago Bears vs Indianapolis Colts
OK, the Bears and Colts would pit two classic unis and timeless helmets against each other. Vaunted D versus explosive offense. Two SEC QBs going at it (Manning, Grossman). Neither team has been there in a long time. The Colts were in Indianapolis for their second season when the Bears won their only Super Bowl.
The Colts and Bears are two of the older, more storied teams of the NFL, and have met 37 times in their history, NEVER in the playoffs and only 5 times since the Colts moved to Indiana (losing all but the last matchup) and 7 times total since the AFL-NFL merger (when the Colts were thrown into the AFC for losing to the Jets) in 1970. The Colts are 22-15 against the Bears.
Peyton Manning is 1-1 in his career vs the Bears, for whatever that means.
A Colts - Bears Super Bowl wouldn't be so bad... unless the Bears win and we get to hear another year of "Peyton is the A-Rod of Football" and "Urlacher is a god"... yea, fun... Indiana vs Illinois, that'll resonate on the old ratings meter, eh?
New Orleans Saints vs New England Patriots
"America's Team" vs America's Team? What will Cowboys fans do? (Go away for good perhaps?)
This would line up two Big 10 QBs for battle. Other than that, what is there to say about this matchup? It's the least aesthetically pleasing. The colors would be slightly more painful than the Pats-Panthers game a couple years ago. Let's pray The Artist formerly known as The Artist doesn't slip a nipple out during halftime.
Maybe there's a good Reggie Bush/Laurence Maroney cutesy-rookies story in there some where, but little else.
The Pats are 8-3 all time vs the Saints, last meeting in 2005 and obviously they have never met in the postseason. The Patriots are riding a 20 game winning streak in the Louisiana Superdome (one game against the Saints, one vs the Rams), but the Pats haven't scored a point in Miami this year. To be fair, the Saints haven't scored a point in Miami since 1998.
This might be the most intriguing matchup talent and game-wise.
New Orleans Saints vs Indianapolis Colts
Here it is: THE worst matchup possible. Even though I am rooting for the Saints over the Bears and the Colts over the Patriots, this IS the nightmare matchup for all of America. The one thing no one will benefit from...
The Archie Manning Bowl
Not only would we hear about Archie Manning too much if the Saints just make it to the Super Bowl, if they make it to the Super Bowl against Peyton and the Colts, it's all over. Eli better go find a cave for the winter (for yet another reason). Cooper would even get a nauseating amount of air time. Plus there's the Mom and the neer-neer-feer-neer of that freekin' accent of theirs! Then during the game, NO MATTER what happens it'll be "Pan camera 3 to Archie" ALL... DAY... LONG... and you thought Brenda Warner coverage was bad.
Highlights of Archie sucking with the Saints. Home movies of Cooper and Peyton beating the crap out of Eli, college highlights of ALL of them... ughhhh.
Don't forget that there is a bye week! ("Bronko Nagurski never got no stinking bye week") TWO weeks of Manning-Manning-Manning. We'll get one, maybe two stories about Drew Brees' unborn conjoined twin, a nice Reggie Bush/Joseph Addai Rookie RBs comparison piece and then more Manning-Manning-Manning. The interview day will suck for everyone. Linemen and Punters included.
Look, I want Peyton to get off the schneid and I want the new team in the big game (and the Bears to lose already), but this bodes well for no one!
We're gonna miss out on the punny "Peyton vs Payton" headlines, the Jim Mora "PlayOFFS? sound bite over and over and completely bypass the "here are two of the smaller markets thriving in the game" stories. I better get at least one All in the Family reference with Edith Bunker screaming "Aw-chie!"
History: The Saints are 5-4 over the Colts and never even came close to meeting in the playoffs (Even if Jim "Playoffs? Playoffs?" Mora did coach both teams to playoff appearances). Peyton spanked the Saints 55-21 when they last met in 2003 (in New Orleans) but is 1-2 versus the Saints in his career. Sad Sack Archie was 0-1 all-time vs the Colts.
Ultimately
All I want, is an OVERTIME Super Bowl already! It's been 41 freekin years of no OT Super Bowls! And not one of those go to OT and return the kickoff back, game over deals either...Miami is the PERFECT setting for a Sudden Death Multiple OT game (remember San Diego vs Miami all-time thriller in the 1981 playoffs?)
I want multiple-OT, end-on-a-freak-blocked-kick, return-but-fumbled then have that fumble returned-and-lateralled-about-5-times-for-a-TD-kind of OT ending. Is that too much too ask, football gods?
Oh yeah, and GOOD commercials, LOTS of good commercials, not just yap-worthy ones like GoDaddy's "look at the stripper with clothes on" type commercials, no Budweiser "look how many poorly animated creatures we can jam into one game's worth of commercials before we pull the Clydesdales out of our sleeves again" and if that damned Rock'em Sock'em Dodge commercial plays 90 more times a day I might remind everyone that Rock'em Sock'em Robots weren't only made of plastic, but every kid who had one busted 'em into pieces. Is that what you want your trucks compared to, Dodge?
Then when the Super Bowl is over, we can all go back to looking forward to the All-Pro game! Just kidding... We can look forward to Spring - the official start of Derek Jeter Worshipping Season!!!
