Some NFL Preseason Predictions
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by Drpatriot
The NFL season is approaching quickly and what better way to start it off with some rankings? My rankings last year were startlingly accurate, so here’s another look just to remind you how awesome I am at this:
-Predicted New Orleans to go to the NFC Championship
-Knew the Indianapolis Colts to be a Super Bowl team
-Foretold the Ravens as a Top 8 playoff team
-Foresaw the downfall of Oakland in the AFC West, Tampa Bay in the NFC South, and not Philadelphia in the NFC East
-Exposed the Falcons, Broncos, Vikings, and Rams as utterly mediocre teams
-Predicted New Orleans to go to the NFC Championship. Did I mention that? I still can’t believe I did that. I’m 100% sure I was the only person to do that. God, I am so f-ing awesome.
Damn. Okay, let’s get started.
1. Detroit Lions
With Jon Kitna poised for a 5,000-yard, 50 TD season, this team seemingly has no limits and could ride his momentum all the way to the Super Bowl.
2. Indianapolis Colts
Despite the loss of Booger McFarland, who single-handedly revamped the Colts defense and was one of the most important players in their Super Bowl run, for the year, I have no issues putting the Blue Toilets up top based on their hype alone. I mean, it’s Peyton Manning. Come on, guys.
3. Cleveland Browns
After watching Brady Quinn’s debut in his second preseason game, I couldn’t be higher on this team. He will start Week 1 and likely lead his team to victory. 16-0 might be a little high, but it’s not completely out of reach.
4. New Orleans Saints
Reggie freakin’ Bush. How can you not LOVE that guy? I mean, he’s Reggie Bush. There’s nothing you can do against that guy. And also, the rest of his team is okay too. But mostly Reggie Bush.
5. San Diego Chargers
Despite massive changes to their entire coaching staff, the Chargers look poised to reach the playoffs once again. Or whatever. LaDainian Tomlinson is cool, especially his name.
6. Green Bay Packers
Brett Favre packs it in for his third last season in three years and heads deep into the playoffs. You heard it here first.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars
Did you know that they picked up Tim Couch? I’m actually predicting he ends up starting and bringing them to the playoffs, where they are ironically defeated by the Browns. That would be so cool.
8. San Francisco 49ers
You know, they’re really not that much different from last year. This was actually the only spot I had left open when it was the 49ers turn to be inserted and I didn’t want to retype all of the numbers. Actually, I’m pretty sure this is how the 49ers end up so highly on EVERYONE’S rankings, not just mine.
9. Chicago Bears
With Devin Hester returning kicks, you really can’t put the Bears much lower than this. Besides, it looks like Rex Grossman has been receiving some helpful tips on how to handle the ball better.
10. Buffalo Bills
With J.P. Losman coming off his second Pro Bowl season, this team is poised to reach the playoffs. Marshawn Lynch should also be a pretty good runningback, especially based on the news that Goodell will let him use his famous four-wheeler in actual game situations.
11. Atlanta Falcons
My dark horse pick. Michael Vick gets off scot-free and, instilling passion and courage into not only the city of Atlanta but the state of Georgia (both the one in the United States and the one in Eastern Europe), leads them to a wildcard slot. It could happen.
12. Houston Texans
The addition of a new up-and-coming running back in Ahman Green and an experienced option at QB in Matt Schaub should be enough to bring them into the playoffs.
13. New York Jets
Eric Mangini is a frickin genius. Holy crap. I mean, that guy. He’s really good.
14-17. The NFC East
They’re all okay. I’m not really that concerned.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers
Ben Roethlisberger is on my fantasy team. That’s all I really know about the Steelers. They have someone named Hines, which is a cool name I guess. And 18 th is okay, I guess.
19. Steven Jackson
He’s basically the entire team. Which is why they’re ranked 19 th. Seriously, I can’t name any other St. Louis Rams off the top of my head.
20. Miami Dolphins
They lost Joey Harrington? Are you serious? Oh, they’re done now.
21. Oakland Raiders
Daunte Culpepper and JaMarcus Russell could manage to bring this team up 11 rankings in one offseason. Unfortunately, the number 21 team still kinda sucks.
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I really just want Jon Gruden to lose his job. That would be really funny. Oh, poor Tampa…
23. Seattle Seahawks
The Madden curse, Chunky Soup curse, and Super Bowl Loser curse all missed them last year. This means that they’re either immune, or it’s coming one year late. I’m going to go with one year late because those curses are bad stuff.
24. Denver Broncos
I’ve got nothing. Seriously.
25. Cincinnati Bengals
Ironically, they avoid all crime this year, but also the playoffs. And a winning record. Marvin Lewis starts using the FBI Most Wanted list as a list of people to hire in order to bring his team back into the playoffs.
26. Tennessee Titans
They’re really only this low because of the Madden Curse. I don’t trust John Madden or his stupid curse. Or his commercials, for that matter. I don’t want any Vagisil, thank you.
27. Carolina Panthers
Jake Delhomme is basically irrelevant at this point and I don’t think David Carr can handle the pressure. Never mind the rest of the team.
28. Minnesota Vikings
Mostly because Tarvaris is a really stupid name. I can’t rank a team with someone named Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback any higher than this.
29. Baltimore Ravens
I’m pretty sure the average age of their players is between 67 and infinity. So yeah, they’re really friggin’ old. Old people don’t do anything, so there you go.
30. Kansas City Chiefs
I don’t trust Herm Edwards one bit. Seriously, he scares me.
31. Arizona Cardinals
I had them ranked #1 last year, so they were terrible. I’ll put them here this year in the hope that they go to the playoffs, mostly because I hate the NFC West.
32. New England Patriots
You heard it here first.
