Port Huron Statement - Part Two

As you no doubt read yesterday inPart One of the Port Huron Statement – the totally uncompromised pick for NFC champion is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Who will play them in Super Bowl XLI? Will it be an all-Florida affair against the Miami Dolphins? Can the Steelers put motorcycle accidents and appendectomies behind them to repeat? Are the Cincinnati Bengals a real-life version of the team that The Rock puts together in the previews I keep seeing for “Gridiron Gang”? Hereunder, The Feed pries the cover off of the American Football Conference and, like we did in the NFC, we’ll start at the bottom of the barrel.

“Oh, Jesus, what's that smell, man?” “Yes, probably a vagrant slept in the car. Or maybe just used it as a toilet and moved on.”

Yeah, we’re starting at the bottom here and the obvious choice, sadly but undoubtedly, is the New York Football Jets. The Dude’s ride was seriously damaged by Larry Sellars’s joy ride and the end of the Herman Edwards era hasn’t left the Jets in much stronger shape. Yes, D’Brickashaw Ferguson and Nick Mangold give reason for optimism in 2007 and beyond but they represent the tape deck in this otherwise scrap heap-ready jalopy.

“Her life was in your hands!” “This is our concern, Dude.”

The rumors of Al Davis’s demise were erroneous. How do we know? Anytime the Raiders go out and get a terrible quarterback who can throw deep you know that Al is still at the helm and pushing the deep ball as an offensive strategy. Aaron Brooks is not the man you want with your season in his hands and I’m doubtful that Art Shell is the guy you want patrolling the sidelines. On the five Sundays Brooks is on his game the Raider offense will look dynamite but with a bad defense those other 11 weeks are going to be long and arduous ones for the Black Hole faithful.

“Were you listening to The Dude's story, Donny?” “Walter...” “What?” “Were you listening to The Dude's story?” “I was bowling.” “So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know...” “Walter, Walter, what's the point, man?” “There's no reason - here's my point, dude, there's no fucking reason why these two...” “Yeah, Walter, what's your point?”

Give the Texans credit for sticking to their guns. They say it wasn’t a money decision but a football one that caused them to tab Mario Williams with the first overall pick in April’s draft and, taking them at their word, it seems like they might be out of step with the public relations side of running a football team. Reggie Bush may have duplicated Dominick Davis on their roster, although with Davis out for the year wouldn’t Bush look nice deep in the heart of Texas, but he would have been an easy sell for fans of a team that took major steps backward in 2005. It’s unlikely that Williams will create a major swing in the record all by his lonesome but Bush wouldn’t have either with the offensive line in a shambled state. All in all, I wonder why the Texans didn’t just deal the pick if they didn’t want the best player in the draft. It comes off as ignorant to the way the NFL works no matter what kind of roster blueprint you’re using.

“So if you could just write me a check for ten percent of a million dollars... five grand…”

A fond farewell to Ricky Williams, in whom the Dude would no doubt find a kindred spirit.

“And let me point out something--pacifism is not--look at our current situation with that camelfucker in Iraq--pacifism is not something to hide behind.”

The NFL is a much crueler sport than the other major American pastimes. As Bryant Gumbel noted, players don’t have so much in the way of job security and with injuries, rookies and coaching changes there isn’t a job in sports I can think of that’s less secure than a NFL one. That said, Steve McNair had been the quarterback in Tennessee as long as there’d been a team in Tennessee. It’s very strange to see him wearing the colors of the Baltimore Ravens as this season unfolds. The Titans may have replaced him with the next best thing in Vince Young but in the short term it figures to be a rebuilding year in Nashville. Financially speaking, dumping McNair was the wise move, though, and, psychological scars of a rough 2006 aside, not hiding behind loyalty and history has the Titans pointed in the right direction.

“I dropped off the money exactly as per... look, man, I've got certain information, all right? Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, I-I-I-I... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?” “What in God's holy name are you blathering about?” “I'll tell you what I'm blathering about... I've got information man! New shit has come to light! And shit... man, she kidnapped herself. Well sure, man. Look at it... a young trophy wife, in the parlance of our times, you know, and she, uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that's cool... that's, that's cool, I'm, I'm saying, she needs money, man. And of course they're going to say that they didn't get it, because... she wants more, man! She's got to feed the monkey, I mean uh... hasn't that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?”

No team has had a worse run of luck than the Cleveland Browns over recent NFL seasons. Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards blow out their knees, big 2006 free agent signing LeCharles Bentley won’t ever suit up for a game for the same reason and they’ve never really recovered from Tim Couch’s busted NFL career. Most of this has nothing to do with Romeo Crennel but it hasn’t made his job of restoring the Brown’s luster any easier. Nor does it give him too many answers when all the questions start flying about what’s gone wrong. Willie McGinest and Ted Washington should help the defense be up to the task and if Edwards and Winslow are healthy they will get a true read on what kind of future Charlie Frye might have but the Bentley injury hinders the offensive line and running game and the AFC North is too loaded for a team as lacking as Cleveland to pick up much ground. They were two wins better in ’05 than in ’04, a similar growth might be out of reach this year even if the team is better.

“So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?” “It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You're living in the fucking past.” “Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax...You're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past!”

Welcome back to the NFL, Marv Levy. And welcome to the 90’s Buffalo owner Ralph Wilson. Wilson, who voted against the NFL’s new collective bargaining agreement because he didn’t understand it, went way against the grain in the offseason when he hired Marv Levy to run the Bills football operations. Sure, Levy is one of the great coaches of all time with a ton of history with the Bills but by hiring Dick Jauron as head coach he’s showing that the nine years away from the game didn’t do him much good. Recycling makes good sense ecologically but Jauron is a defensive coach on a team that desperately needs a fresh offensive mind. I didn’t think Mike Mularkey should have been fired - something bringing back Peerless Price makes me feel even more strongly about – and I think that a team that could have really improved this year will take a step backwards instead.

“Look, nothing is fucked, here, man.” “Nothing is fucked?! The god damn plane has crashed into the mountain!”

Curtis Martin hasn’t made it official neither have the Jets but the noble tailback will never take flight again in the NFL. If by some miracle his body allows him to suit up again, it wouldn’t be with the Jets and thus ends the tenure of the best running back in Jets history without the Super Bowl ring he deserves. Martin ran for 1,000+ yards on good Jets teams and bad ones, never ever let a negative word slip about his teammates or coaches and basically created a blueprint for how athletes should comport themselves. They don’t follow it, of course, but there’s only so much one man can do. He’ll be missed.

“Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fuckin' sympathy, man, I need my fucking johnson!” “What do you need that for, Dude?”

Where would the Chiefs be if they’d lost their Johnson? Priest Holmes is likely to join Curtis Martin on the sideline eternal but Larry Johnson is a better running back at this point anyway so all new Chiefs coach Herman Edwards has to do is figure out what to do about the rest of the squad. It’s a pretty standard Chiefs bunch, strong in a few places (cornerback, tight end, and linebacker) but weak in others (offensive line, run stopping, wide receiver) and probably headed for something right around an 8-8 finish. It won’t be good enough for the playoffs but will be better than he would have done if he stayed in New York.

“He fixes the cable?” “Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey”

The Baltimore Ravens have a new quarterback you say? Surprise, surprise. But wait, this one actually comes with a strong pedigree, a history of success and, for the first time since they sent Trent Dilfer packing, Super Bowl experience. Steve McNair replaces Kyle Boller, a.k.a. the end of any memory of Brian Billick’s offensive genius, as the Ravens try to make a last run with Ray Lewis, Jonathan Ogden, Jamal Lewis and the rest of a graying, but dangerous, group. The division is tough, even the Browns are better, and the Ravens are paper thin but if no major injury strikes they will be a very tough out come December.

“The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary”

One of Walter’s many Vietnam references is used here to honor the Steelers Troy Polamalu. His lethal hits and timely takeaways propelled the Steeler defense throughout the regular season and he stepped it up come the playoffs. He dominated the Bengals and Colts in the first two rounds and made the Pro Bowl in a breakout 2005.

And I’d like to take a moment to single out the character of Walter Sobchak. I saw John Goodman in an interview say that none of the bowling or driving or other scenes with Walter, Donny and The Dude were improvised which, if true, means that the Coen Brothers wrote every mid sentence shift, every dropped idea, every withering insult of Donny – you get the picture – and that Goodman could take them from the page and turn them into pure gold. It’s a part you couldn’t begin to imagine another person playing and I can’t really watch Goodman in anything else without thinking of Walter. It makes Rosanne and Revenge of the Nerds a little better but makes King Ralph all the less comprehensible.

“What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!”

LaDanian Tomlinson is going to get a lot of use this season. The Chargers dumped a slightly damaged but proven quarterback in Drew Brees for the unknown but highly regarded Phillip Rivers which will mean more carries, more pounding and more opportunities for Tomlinson to please his fantasy owners. I’ve got much faith in his ability to thrive while a new QB learns the ropes but I think that a shaky secondary will cause his efforts to be for naught. He won’t notice, there are few players as consistent as LaDanian, but the Bolts will finish shy of the postseason all the same.

“You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.” “Yeah, but Walter...” “Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon... with nail polish. These fucking amateurs...”

Deion Branch is unsigned. Tom Brady is unhappy about Branch’s status and the lack of a strong receiving corps. Junior Seau was coaxed from retirement to fill a need. Willie McGinest and Adam Vinateri don’t live here anymore. Yet, with all that, there’s still no chance that I think the Patriots aren’t set for another winning season and playoff spot. Bill Belichick is still there, after all, and his ruthless, Sobchakian abhorrence of excuse-making will keep the team from regressing. The Jets and Bills will certainly help the Patriots stay in the mix and the final answer will come down to how good a job they can do patching together another suspect secondary. Belichick can get you a cornerback, though, even if he was playing in the park the day before the game.

“Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man.” “Your name's Lebowski, Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny.” “My... my wi-, my wife, Bunny? Do you see a wedding ring on my finger? Does this place look like I'm fucking married? The toilet seat's up, man!”

Continuing the subject of the Patriots, what the hell is Deion Branch thinking about? He’s a system star with four so-so years of regular season football under his belt and two Super Bowl performances that separate him from the likes of Reche Caldwell, his replacement. And the chance to have those performances, of course, was because of people other than Branch and people that Bill Belichick would, presumably, be less inclined to flush at a moment’s notice.

Not that the Patriots really hold much of a high ground in this impasse. Branch isn’t All-World but he is better than anything that they’ve got in house yet the Pats won’t deal him for a second-round pick nor will they pay him market value for a first-tier wideout. Both sides seem to have dug in their heels just to dig in their heels, especially after the team gave Branch a chance to work out a deal and then refused to pull the trigger when he did. The choices now are a year with a miserable player who doesn’t want to play for you or second and fourth round picks in next year’s draft. The Pats should have taken the payoff and shipped Branch off somewhere where he’d be disappointing and overpaid.

“Phone's ringing, Dude.” “Thank you, Donny.”

There are flotillas of publications predicting, prognosticating and analyzing the upcoming football season but I’ve yet to see one of them predict anything much for the Jacksonville Jaguars. And frankly, I don’t get it. They’ve got a quarterback who has improved every year, a steady, if injury plagued running back with ample depth (even without Greg Jones), an athletic freak in Matt Jones and many returnees from last year’s playoff club. And that’s just the offense. The defense is loaded with playmakers on the line (John Henderson), at linebacker (Mike Peterson) and safety (Donovin Darius). Rashean Mathis is the up and coming corner back and if another receiving weapon develops the Jaguars could challenge the Colts for the crown in the fleshy AFC South.

“That rug really tied the room together, did it not?” “Fuckin’ A!”

There would seem to be bigger things to replace than 110 carries when you are bringing back your sensational rookie tailback of a year ago. But Jerome Bettis was more than just a short-yardage back, he became a rallying point for the Steelers in their run to a World Championship and retired on top rather than force himself to do any training more strenuous than knocking down a 7-10 split. The perfect player for a “Big Lebowski” tribute, Bettis will be missed by the Steelers who can also add Ben Roethlisberger’s mind and appendix to the list of things they’ll have to learn to live without. They can still rely on Polamalu, Hines Ward, Joey Porter and a sturdy offensive line, of course, and if replacements for Bettis and Antwan Randle-El assert themselves early the team may well not miss a beat. I think that the perils of trying to repeat will prove too much however.

“Am I wrong?” “No you're not wrong.” “Am I wrong?” “You're not wrong Walter. You're just an asshole.” “All right then.”

This one goes from every fantasy football player in America to Broncos coach Mike Shanahan. Year in and year out Shanahan finds a running back at a local junior college, turns him into a 1,000-yard rusher, stops to have a nosh and then goes back out to find another back or backs to split time and/or replace him. The list of names is well known, this year’s unheralded entry is Mike Bell, who replaces Ron Dayne and will split time with Tatum Bell, unless recent convert from baseball George Bell proves he can carry the load. What Shanahan has done, of course, is realize the seemingly obvious fact that behind a great offensive line there is any number of backs capable of carrying the load for a NFL franchise. Along with the improved Jake Plummer, a savvy pickup in Javon Walker and the typically sound Denver defense they look like the best bet in the AFC West.

“Also, my rug was stolen.” “The rug was in the car?” “No. It was here.” “Oh, separate incidents.”

I’ll give this to the Cincinnati Bengals; they didn’t let a winning season do anything rash like make them a respectable franchise or anything. I’ve always thought GM’s and coaches were full of shit when they said they wanted high-“character” guys as the core of their team even if they were less talented than bad actors. Lawrence Taylor, Hollywood Henderson, Darryl Strawberry…the list of loathsome human beings who have brought championships to their teams is long so that in and of itself isn’t enough to sour me on the Bengals chances for glory this season. However, this does seem like a case of a team that couldn’t handle their success last season and put their sizable egos in check long enough to load up for a run at the 2006 title. Marvin Lewis has got a mix on his roster that defines combustible – the team could dominate the AFC, and I mean dominate as they have talent coming out of their ears, or they could prove to be a bunch that plays for themselves unwilling to do the little championship things along the way.

“That's the key to the city of Pasadena, which Mr. Lebowski received two years ago in recognition of his various civic, uh... Oh, That's a Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Business Achiever award, which is given--oh not necessarily given every year!”

It’s hard to think of a worse end to a season that starts 13-0 than what befell the Colts last year. The death of Tony Dungy’s son shattered the team’s world-beater psyche and then the Steelers rattled Peyton Manning’s cage for 60 minutes before the missed field goal. Manning’s disappointment must have been immense, which still doesn’t excuse the way he trashed his teammates following the game, and I wonder if this year will be a 16 week attempt for him to reaffirm his place atop the game’s quarterbacking pecking order. It won’t be an easy task minus Edgerrin James, even with the wildly overrated signing of Adam Vinateri, and the defense was so good last season that it’s suspect they can achieve the same heights this fall. It will be interesting to see how the Colts do this year with their best chance at a title likely come and gone. They should still win the South but if neither Dominic Rhodes nor Joseph Addai is capable of James-like exploits in the backfield or if the defense backslides they will face a major challenge from the Jaguars and struggle to make the playoffs.

“That's right, Dude. The beauty of this is its simplicity. Once a plan gets too complex, everything can go wrong. If there's one thing I learned in Nam…”

Two teams with perennially dreadful quarterbacking situations made moves to upgrade the position in advance of this year’s festivities. One, the Ravens, went for veteran leadership in Steve McNair that may be a day late and a dollar short but at least shows that they care enough to try for a change. The Dolphins, on the other hand, went the high-risk, high-reward route with Daunte Culpepper. No more Fiedlers or Feeleys, no Frerottes or Rosenfels, this time Nick Saban and the fish are bringing some serious firepower under center. That is, of course, if he can still play and isn’t suffering any lingering effects from last year’s injury. A lot of people are making Miami their pick in the AFC based on Culpepper’s acquisition but the truth is even before he was hurt he hadn’t been playing like an All-Pro. All of the team’s eggs are in Daunte’s basket so if he hits a snag things could go south awfully quickly. But there isn’t a team with an easier schedule than the Dolphins and there isn’t a team with a better offense if everything goes according to plan. But if Nam taught us anything, it’s that it rarely does.

“Isn't that what makes a man?” “Mmm, sure. That and a pair of testicles.”

Time to make the big preseason pick for AFC champion. I see the division winners as the Dolphins, Bengals, Colts and Broncos with the Patriots and Jaguars as the Wild Cards. The Steelers are the last team out as I think that the Browns and Ravens will make the North the toughest division to get out of in the conference. Of these teams I eliminate the Colts because their best chance has passed them by and the Jaguars because they are benefiting from a weak schedule more than any team but the Dolphins. Those Dolphins are the next to fall down because I don’t think their defense will be able to hang with the Bengals or Broncos; the same affliction that will sink the Patriots. Ultimately I believe it will be the Bengals over Denver for the AFC championship because I think this is the year Carson Palmer moves to the top of the quarterback ladder and Peyton begins his slow descent after many years on top of the pile.

“I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there, the Dude, takin' her easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals. Welp, that about does her, wraps her all up. Things seem to've worked out pretty good for the Dude 'n Walter, and it was a purty good story, dontcha think? Made me laugh to beat the band. Parts, anyway. I didn't like seein' Donny go. But then, I happen to know that there's a little Lebowski on the way. I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' it-self, down through the generations, westward the wagons, across the sands a time until we-- aw, look at me, I'm ramblin' again. Wal, uh hope you folks enjoyed yourselves.”

And that brings us to the end of the road, which must mean it’s outrageously early, impossibly hard to imagine coming true, it and a quarter gets you a Post Super Bowl prediction. I’ve got orange fever with my picks of Tampa and Cincinnati and am going to go with the northernmost ones. As I said above, I think Palmer’s jumping to the top of the line this season. He’ll take his place alongside Brady and Roethlisberger as championship quarterbacks come February in Miami.