Please Jeebus, End The Eli Experiment Before I Go Insane
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by user DNL
I'm a Giants fan. I like Tiki Barber and can stomach Jeremy Shockey. I didn't like the Eli Manning trade when it happened, and now, it makes me violently ill. Violently -- like I ate too much turkey at Thanksgiving, washed it down with some Port, and then decided hey, that large piece of pecan pie sounds like a good idea -- ill.
To put me out of my misery means that either I have to go, or Eli does. Sunday was the last straw.
Eli must go.
Now.
Bring in the guy who looks like a linebacker.
Please.
To make the case even stronger, here are nine other reasons why Eli Manning must be tarred and feathered or, in the very least, benched.
#1: He's a Really Ugly Drunk
Everyone has a "stupid drunk face" that they'd rather not show the world. I'm sure your MySpace and/or Facebook profiles have about eleventy-billion pictures of your stupid drunk face plastered all over.
However, not everyone is quarterback for the New York Fricking Giants. And not everyone is pretty ugly to start with.
Eli needs to keep his helmet on 24/7. He's an ugly kid. We're not talking "tv ugly." We're talking butt-ugly. Fugly. But when he's drunk? He's ugly ugly.
New York needs better. It needs pretty. Like Derek Jeter and David Wright. It needs drunk with charm, like David Wells, or high with panache, like Lawrence Taylor.
The picture at the left -- a photoshopped derivative of the one up on the right, above -- sums it up. The face of New York football should never, ever be able to have a penis drawn on it and look credibly real.
Actually, here's an even better rule of thumb:
If Paris Hilton wouldn't sleep with it, we shouldn't have to watch it play quarterback on Sundays.
#2: He's Making Plaxico Burress Look Good
Plaxico Burress is an overrated piece of dung. Everyone knows it. That's why he had such a hard time finding a team to sign with. Remember that this guy was offered a contract with the Giants, said no, shopped his services, found no buyers, and had to beg the Giants to sign him. In fact, there's only one thing Plax is good at -- being taller than cornerbacks.
But now, he's a super-star. Why? Because Eli can't throw with any sort of accuracy, so every time Plax makes a catch, it's an acrobatic one. The formula is simple:
- Eli throws high or wide
- Plaxico uses his special talent ("being tall") and gives his torso a slight twist
- Ball bounces between Hands of Plaxico
- Reception
Erratic QB, mutant WR. Result, NFL Primetime highlight reel. (Well, when that still existed. Which isn't Eli's fault, but should be.)
The Giants need to fire Eli, and now, before the decide that all he needs is Manute Bol to fill in for the injured Amani Toomer.
Even if that would be kinda cool.
#3: Lorenzen and Jacobs in the Backfield
How hella sweet would that be? Hell, put in whomever this guy on Eli's right is, too. The Earth would tilt ever so slightly as the sheer bulk of the Giants "skill" players, countered only by cornerbacks, changes the gravitational pull of the moon. I'm not sure what that would result in, but if you're going to lose games and blow 21-#$%^&-point leads, "we had to run uphill!" is as good an excuse as any.
Or something like that.
I dunno. But it seems like a Lorenzen/Jacobs would be a good idea. Karmically.
#4: He Made Me Yearn for Dave Brown. DAVE BROWN!
No top-ten (or, uh, top-nine) list is complete without a secondary, embedded top-ten list in it.
Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate Dave Brown
- Crying through the 1994 season
- Dry-heaving through the 1995 season
- Made Danny Kanell look good.
- 1996, Week 14, playing Philly: 3 completions, 2 interceptions.
- Replaced Phil Simms
- Made Kent Graham a household name -- as in "at least this guy is better than Kent Graham"
- Went to Duke
- 1999, as an Arizona Cardinal, faced the Giants twice. Giants lost both games.
- "Supplemental Draft" means (a) late to training camp and (b) wait, we lose our #1 in 1993?
- Sucky Giants team able to take Tyrone Wheatley and Ron Dayne with high draft pick.
#5: Who The Hell Do You Think You Are, Marky Mark?
Jeebus, kid, put your shirt back on!
#6: Shawne Merriman Would Look Really Good Right Now
I realize that the picture above isn't of Shawne Merriman. But it could be. Heck, Nate Kaeding could kick Eli's ass.
Oh, wait, we would have had him, too?
And Philip Rivers?
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaarrrrrrGGGGGGGGghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
#7: He Makes For a Funny-Looking Bobble Head Doll
Grace.
Field vision.
Quick release.
Prancing awkwardly while asking for a kick to the groin.
Which one does Eli's Bobble Head Doll evoke?
I thought so too.
#8: Manning Family: Just Not Scary
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Damn it feels good to be a gangsta A real gangsta-ass n--- plays his cards right A real gangsta-ass n-- never runs his f--- mouth Cuz real gangsta-ass n--- dont start fights And n--- always gotta high cap Showin all his boys how he shot em But real gangsta-ass n--- dont flex nuts Cuz real gangsta-ass n--- know they got em And everythings cool in the mind of a gangsta Cuz gangsta-ass n--- think deep Up three-sixty-five a year 24/7 Cuz real gangsta ass n--- dont sleep And all I gotta say to you Wannabe, gonnabe, pussy-eatin c---suckin prankstas When the shit jumps off what the f--- you gonna do Damn it feels good to be a gangsta Damn it feels good to be a gangsta Feedin the poor and hepin out wit they bills Although I was born in jamaica Now Im in the us makin deals Damn it feels good to be a gangsta I mean one that you dont really know Ridin around town in a drop-top benz Hittin switches in my black six-fo Now gangsta-ass n--- come in all shapes and colors Some got killed in the past But this gangtsa here is a smart one Started living for the lord and Ill last And all I gotta say to you Wannabe, gonnabe, pussy-eatin c---suckin prankstas When the shit jumps off what the f--- you gonna do Damn it feels good to be a gangsta |
#9: You've Been Drafted No. 1 Overall. Smile Like You Mean It, You F***ing D***chebag
- Tommy Chang hates you.
- Eric Crouch hates you.
- Tim Couch wishes he had a good reason to hate you, but will cry over it nonetheless.
- Tony Romo should hate you, but doesn't, because he doesn't suck.
- If Drew Henson had to do it all over again, he would hate you.
- Charlie Ward wouldn't hate you, but that's only because he was a Knick when they were good, which is actually impressive. Unlike you, you putz.
