Jay Mariotti Hates Sith Lord Bill Belichick
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This is so much more than Good vs. Evil. This is one team trying to win a football game against a tyrant on a maniacal mission to conquer civilization, even at the expense of his marriage, his friends, the rules of his craft and his own bed, where he rarely sleeps during the season. - Jay Mariotti
Jay's head just might implode from the dire consequences of this afternoon's almighty uber-important football game. Of course, I'm referring to the Indianapolis Colts waging battle against the New England Patriots. And if Mariotti's hyperbole-laced tirade is correct, the future of the free world is at stake. As you read this doctrine of truth (better known to the Chicago Sun-Times as the Gospel of Jay Mariotti), Tony Dungy's troops are locked and loaded to take down the evil galactic Belichick Empire. Good versus Evil? Perhaps Jay will also lay claim to scribing President Thomas Whitmore's rally to the troops:
Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!
Star Wars, Independence Day, NFL Game Day; really what the hell is the difference in the wild homoerotic fantasies of the back page pundit?
What is most interesting is that Jay allegedly abhors losing sports franchises. God knows that fans of the Chicago Cubs are well acquainted to the dwarf's incessant campaigning for Alex Rodriguez and Mark Cuban to save the ball club from another hundred years of World Series victory abstinence. And of course those familiar with a little publicized NBA event known as the Kobe Bryant sweepstakes already are aware of the ESPN bobble head's herk and jerk act for the Bulls to acquire the whiny Laker.
But those sports events pale in comparison to Patriots vs Colts. Hell, the crisis in Pakistan is just a smidgen of comparative insignificance. Right Mariotti?
So here presents the battle of the NFL undefeated teams. Conspicuously gathering in a Floridan retirement community recreation hall, are a select outfit of wheezebags tattooed with '72 insignias across their man boob chests while chilling champagne in the not so secret hope for a tied outcome. The league is ecstatic with giddiness over anticipated through the roof television ratings (except in Dubyaville that gets to watch the dubious Raiders vs Texans game) and tail gate parties undoubtedly have have taken full drunken advantage of the extra hour of the clocks falling back.
And yet Jay remains unshockingly dismayed because he disapproves of the very existence of Bill Belichick.
New England fans welcome to Mariotti's Inferno. Please fasten your seat belts, relax and allow Chicago to be your helpful guide to navigate down this little trip of hate and torment.
And of course, Mariotti cannot keep matters professional and relating to job performance. It is one matter to question Camera Gate, calling for deep passing routes at the end of the fourth quarter during lopsided contests and sideline wardrobe attire. What business is it to castigate a successful head coach over his marriage, family and general life priorities?
Brian Urlacher would like to know that answer as well.
Even Jay seems bewildered by his own obsessive hatred towards, well, everybody it seems. Also falling under the category of "None of our damn business", is the verbal grenade tossed in the direction of Tom Brady:
On top of that, Brady also gets the girl, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, though not before causing the first controversy in his otherwise clutter-free life by splitting with actress Bridget Moynahan -- why am I writing this? -- while she was pregnant with his son.
Why are you writing this, you dare ask?
Good question Jay. Perhaps you need to take a break yourself and reflect upon personal shortcomings before armchair adjudicating the personal lives of others.
Jay Mariotti SUCKS.
Tyrone if your not already, you should be forwarding these pieces to the Sun-Times and if you can find him, Jay himself. It's a great series.