God how I hate pre-season football

by user Shrubbery

Reasons why I hate preseason football…

1. Tailgating sucks in August…who wants to eat chili and barbecue on asphalt with the temp a balmy 95.
2. The cheerleaders need more practice…if I’m going to ogle their goodies through binoculars, as is my God-given right, those girls better bounce and undulate in unison.
3. If I see one more third or fourth string D-back miss another assignment I swear I’ll blow a gasket.
4. Third string receivers should just wear oven mitts for all their pass catching ability to truly shine.
5. Ah, the joy that is listening to the local sports reporters call the game…here in Denver we’ve had to put up with the soothing sounds of ex-Bronco Reggie Rivers butcher the simple task of player identification. The production value at the local level is so bad I’d rather watch the old gal next door water her tomatoes.
6. Two or three kickers?! WTF?!
7. Watching as a rookie savior’s season ends in the first week of camp because some fat lineman landed on his knee…I feel for ya Chad Greenway.
8. Man, the Tennessee Titans offensive line is a freakin’ sieve…trust me when I say they made an average Denver Broncos pass rush look competent.
9. God do I loathe the lengthy holdout.
10. The constant speculation about whether or not T.O. will single-handedly destroy the Cowboys…if I hear or read one more Skip Bayless column about “America’s Team”, I will drive to Dallas and personally shoot out Bayless’ porch light.
11. The constant urge to pronounce a rookie as the second coming or as being overrated after one series must be combated at every possible turn…it’s PRE-SEASON!
12. “Boy, that young quarterback looked good”…SHUT UP!
13. Paying full price for tickets when half the starters don’t suit up is a travesty…I demand the pre-season be free, or let us plebes sit in the luxury boxes.
14. Joe Thiesman is annoying enough during games that count but listening to his highness pontificate about the merits of going for it on fourth down during the 4th quarter when all the guys who have no prayer of making the roster are on the field is enough to make one want to shoot the television.
15. Oh, lest I forget, parking should be free and the concessions should be half price.
16. The horror of watching a couple hundred old and out of shape ladies do aerobics at half time makes me wanna beg for death.
17. As if the first pre-season game at home will purge the memory of the previous season’s AFC Championship game…the only event that will exorcise that memory would be the First Annual Lesbian Olympics, featuring diving, naked running, and Jell-O wrestling.

I'll post more reasons to hate pre-season football as this sadistic ritual winds to a close...

Date

Mon 08/21/06, 7:17 pm EST

Anonymous Fanatic #1

820 days ago

Score 2

"Sean Payton is trying to establish a winning tradition here in New Orleans, that's why he's going for it on 4th down." Uh, no Joe, that's not the reason at all, actually. THEISMANN SUCKS.

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Twins15Varsity Captain

820 days ago

Score 6

Sorry, that was me!

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ASwaffAll-American

820 days ago

Score 1

Amen on pronouncing rookies to be a savior. I came home from work tonight and turned on the t.v. to hear Sean Salisbury talking up Reggie Bush. After his first game (which was truly very good), all the sports pundits proclaimed him to be a brilliant pick by the Saints. After tonight's game, when he had 7 yards rushing on 4 carries and 2 catches for 14 yards, they found ways to talk about how the runs, short as they were, were still great. At the end of his schpiel, Salisbury proclaimed that Bush will be the offensive rookie of the year. I'm not saying he's wrong, but what does Bush have to do to get criticized in the television world? When he's on he's just awesome, and when he's not, they find ways to talk about his vision and his cuts in order to STILL proclaim him the next Barry Sanders. Until he actually starts playing some NFL games, SHUT UP!

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Bleeding GreenVarsity

819 days ago

Score 0

If it weren't for Merrel Hodge, Sean Salisbury would be the worst analyst in all of sports.

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Alex HolowczakHall of Famer

819 days ago

Score 0

"Two or three kickers". What's the bet there are two or three punters too?

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Manny StilesMajor Leaguer

819 days ago

Score -4

The only thing that sucks as much is regular season football!

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ShrubberyVarsity Captain

819 days ago

Score 0

And I suppose baseball in August is sooooooo much better. Go away you freakin heretic!

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Manny StilesMajor Leaguer

819 days ago

Score 0

hey, when the 6th seeded playoff team is winning the Super Bowl, let's just say that the regular season means about as much as the preseason, you freekin' crybabies

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Manny StilesMajor Leaguer

819 days ago

Score -1

You're all a bunch of Pavlovian drones synchronized to the ditties of the mega-broadcast companies... Whoever turns the ball over the least and has the ball last, wins! Football sucks without dynasties to hate and underdogs to have an occasional 'given sunday'. Now every Sunday is 'any given Sunday' and competitive balance makes a mockery of competition. Football used to be about the game on the field, now it's strictly business and numbers on a ledger. You may not recognize it, because supposedly "football is the most popular sport in America" but the product sucks compared to even 10 years ago. Football is growing too big for it's own good, oversaturation of a product is worse than .

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ShrubberyVarsity Captain

819 days ago

Score 0

Um, Manny, take a breath and calm down...sheesh. Just because baseball is an inferior sport doesn't mean you gotta start throwing derisive comments around. At least the powers that be in the NFL actually have developed a sound business model where every team starts on an even footing, something baseball has never been able to claim, doesn't eliminate its status as America's most popular sport. The reason why football is more popular...it's more marketable. The reason it's more marketable...the on-field product is superior. The reason the product is superior...the athletes are infinately superior. Now run along and go watch the pudgy men slap a baseball around.

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ShrubberyVarsity Captain

819 days ago

Score 0

Football's popularity is prima facia evidence that it is a sport that cuts across societal lines and appeals to the core of what makes American sports fans unique. We as the American sporting public have notoriously short attention spans yet we crave for athletecism, grace, and violence. Only football blends such elements so perfectly. Baseball, because of its dysfunctional power brokers and its inability to address troubling issues, will always in the future be a second-rate sport.

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Bleeding GreenVarsity

819 days ago

Score -1

It is garbage. We know the teams and most players don;t care and that's okay with me. However, the way the announcers and ESPN and fans try to act as if it's a real game drives me nuts. These teams are running basic, vanilla offenses and base defenses. Stop it already

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Bleeding GreenVarsity

819 days ago

Score 2

and charging season ticket holders full price for these tickets is robbery.

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False ProphetAll-Star

819 days ago

Score 0

Pre Season Football is good for a few reasons

1. Its football, something we havent seen since Febuary 2. The 4th quarter is the most intense football in the enitre NFL season because you have players that need to show their teams everything they can give it or they will be sitting at home come September.

3. Us fanatics of teams finaly have something to talk about other than totaly unrelated comments and finding video of rookies from 3 years ago and then discusssing it.

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Jgov05All-American

819 days ago

Score 0

How about this one: no challenges. I know the coaches want to treat it like a game, but it's the freaking preseason! Challenges take up too much time and who cares if your third stringer fumbled the ball anyway?

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