Derek Jeter: ManWhore For the Ages
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by user DNL
When Paris Hilton hooks up with guy after guy, we call her names: slut, whore, skank, ho, etc. Just ask Google.
But Derek Jeter?
- "Deter Jeter is a ho" -- no hits.
- "Deter Jeter is a skank" -- no hits.
- "Deter Jeter is a whore" -- no hits.
- "Deter Jeter is a slut" -- no hits.
But, in fact, Derek Jeter is the ultimate manwhore. He's been around the block more than the ice cream man (which is not why Jessica called him Mr. Softee!).
Here's a list of Derek's reported slumber party guests.
We think you'll agree -- Derek Jeter is the Ultimate ManWhore.
Jessica Alba
In June of 2004, per AskMen, the two were getting hot and heavy at a Hollywood club until well past midnight. Since then, it sounds like Derek has been left to move onto other exploits, but even one night with Ms. Alba is enough to make headlines (and for good reason!).
Unfortunately, we were unable to find a picture of the former Dark Angel star in pinstripes, so the shot on the right will have to do.
We're sure you're not disappointed. Except, maybe, in Derek, for being unable to seal the deal.
Jessica Biel
Biel and Derek spent Thanksgiving 2006 "cozying up all over Las Vegas" sayith the king of American gossip rags, People magazine. While Biel hasn't done much since leaving 7th Heaven -- I mean, much in the way of acting in anything worthwhile -- she was recently (2005) named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive.
Nicely done, Derek, you manslut, you!
Alex Rodriguez
What's A-Rod doing here, you ask? In February, per the AP, baseball's highest paid player said:
- "The reality is there's been a change in the relationship over 14 years and, hopefully, we can just put it behind us," he went on. "You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over. It's just not that big of a deal."
Fourteen year relationship. Lots of, ahem, "sleep over"s. Claiming it's "not that big of a deal."
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Dominique Dawes
She has three Olympic medals -- one gold, two bronze -- and can contort her body in ungodly, Gumby-like ways. She's short, too -- at 4'10" or so, she can probably "slide under Jeter's tag," so to speak.
Nevertheless, she was unable to win over Derek's heart.
Mariah Carey
Before she decided to commit professional suicide by appearing in Glitter, Mariah had a relatively long (just under a year!) appearance as Derek's leading lady. The two were a match made in multiculturalism -- really. As Carey told Parade magazine:
- “Derek’s parents are like mine,” Carey said. “His father’s black, his mom’s Irish. So when I saw how great his family was, it gave me hope. I realized that I was blaming all the problems of my life on growing up biracial. Derek’s family functioned great as a unit, and I’d never seen that before. I looked at Derek, and it changed my perception.”
Apparently, all the "therapy" she needed she could get in under 12 months.
Jordana Brewster
The one who got away? Brewster, the bucket of hot from movies like The Fast and the Furious and (the absolutely atrocious, other than the fact that she was in it) Annapolis, dated the Captain earlier in his career. She then was linked to Mark Wahlberg and his good vibrations, but in December, announced her engagement to some producer named Andrew Form.
For the record, we officially hate Andrew Form more than we hate Derek Jeter.
And we really hate Derek Jeter. And New Haven. Why New Haven? Because it sucks.
Brewster, a Yale grad, started dating Jeter during her senior year of college. Which means Jeter went to New Haven at least once. Which means New Haven sucks more than we thought.
Manny Stiles, Pseudo-Celeb Tampa Bay Devil Rays Blogger
Last week, Stiles announced that the Devil Rays president had bought him at auction as a celeb blogger. But we think that the D'Rays wanted inside information -- info from a star-crossed lover left scorned by the Bronx's Deuce.
Check out the video on the right. You've heard of Boyfriend Bonfires? That's the sports-fan equivalent.
We wouldn't want to be on the last end of that pitching machine.
And we hope Carl Crawford isn't next.
After all, as Mets fans, we're more afraid that Crawford will get injured and then be traded to the Mets for a package of Jose Reyes, David Wright, Lastings Milledge, and Scott Kazmir.
Lara Dutta
As pictured on the right, Jeter and the former Miss Universe, Dutta, once went to a Knicks game together. You don't go to Knicks games by choice, so it had to be a date, right?
*BZZT!* Wrong.
Per the New York Post (as quoted here):
- The New York Post reported that Dutta was the first person Jeter called after he signed his $189 million, ten-year contract with the Yankees. "He's in love with her, but she just thinks of him as a friend," the Post quoted a friend of Dutta as saying.
Oof! We bet that Derek ran crying into A-Rod's supple arms.
Vanessa Minnillo
An on-again, off-again relationship that lasted for more than two years, the Total Request Live host had a short Broadway-to-Bronx commute to see her boy toy Derek. Of course, she probably should have seen more of him -- er, she probably should have seen him more often (or are both accurate?) -- because apparently Derek's pants were doing their own version of Total Request Live during the same time period.
Scarlett Johansson
Nope.
Never happened. Apparently, even though Derek is a man-whore, he's still not good enough for Ms. Scarlett:
Nevertheless, those lazy bastards at ESPN decided to put up a picture of the everyone's favorite hottie with the lazy "we're not journalists" line: "Jeter reportedly dated blonde bombshell Scarlett Johannson". (They couldn't even spell her name right!)
Why?
Because she's hot. And hot women get page views.
But they put up a picture of her that isn't anywhere near as hot as the one we have.
ESPN sucks.
Enjoy Scarlett.
Not that much. That's gross.
