Commercial Sods
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by Tyduffy
With the rampant commercialization of American sport, advertisements have become nearly as integral a part of the experience as the event itself. Football games take 4 hours to play because of them. Basketball has built in breaks, just in case there happens to be three minutes that go by without a timeout. Baseball not only has ads spaced strategically throughout the ballpark, they now even superimpose ads on the blank background for games on television. It's no longer the Sugar Bowl but the Nokia Sugar Bowl. The effect, for the average Joe spending his weekend watching football, can be mesmerizing. Here are a few observations from the wild world of commercials that have infested our great American pasttimes.
Nike has a new commercial featuring Shawne Merriman. He starts at one of of the field running over and through guys through varying weather conditions as though he is some sort of superman. Which of course, Merriman is, due to his steroid usage (he was suspended for 4 games last season). Chuck Klostermann points out that he is the size (275lbs) of the greatest offensive lineman of all-time Anthony Munoz and has the same 40-time (4.6) as the greatest wide-receiver of all time. I'm sure this is due to his slick Nike shoes rather than the stuff he was shooting into his butt. Great job Nike! Way to send a message to the kids! Why not have thrown in his stupid lights dance in for good measure ?!
ABC has unveiled it's lovely new "start here" campaign, because all great television originates with ABC. Particularly brilliant, was to pair the "start here" message with commercials for the new show "Cavemen," since Cavemen most certainly ripped off a Geico commercial, and, therefore, did not start with ABC. On a similar note, what an awful idea for a show. A brilliant series of 30 second adds does not a half-hour sitcom make. It's not even the original cavemen from the commercials. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Nintendo came out with a new game for DS entitled "Jam Session," which basically allows one to turn his DS into a guitar. Out of all the songs they could have picked, they have to choose "Santeria" by Sublime. That was a great album, a seminal one for those of us coming into adolescence in the mid 90's. That song in particular is phenomenal. But why use it for a Nintendo commercial? How many people over the age of 20 have a DS or even know what one is? What percentage of their target audience, kids, have even heard of Sublime? It can't be many. Also, is a song with these lyrics
Tell sanchito that if he knows what is good for him He'd best go run and hide Daddy's Got a New .45 And I won't think twice to stick that barrel straight down Sancho's throat Believe me when I say that I got something for his punk ass
really appropriate for selling a product for little kids? Great message. This is the next generation equivalent of FOX football execs looking for a great song to pump people up and get them in the mood and some 40 year-old choosing Def Leppard. The whole thing is ridiculous and it will ruin a great song by overplaying it ad nauseum in all of our heads.
Finally, It's time to attack the Golden Arches. Not to go all "Supersize Me" on you, but McDonald's food is not healthy. No attractive girl is going to McDonald's to get a freaking double cheeseburger it just doesn't happen. It's not going to reinvigorate your passion for your wife. No one is going to high-five you and make you the life of the party because you brought a bag of quarter-pounders. It's not a great post-workout snack for some cool dudes after a long day on the basketball court. You are going to be sitting on your couch, fat, depressed, and with chest pains and breathing problems if you eat McDonald's food. That's not attractive. Stop showing these advertisements.
