Better Things to do Than Watch Another Oakland Raiders Game
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by user LastRow
Sitting there watching the Monday Night telecast last night, observing the Oakland Raiders setting the game of football back hundreds of years…One’s mind begins to wonder. Some thoughts of mine included how an NFL team could be this pathetic? How in the hell did Americans get so lucky to listen to the hot air coming out of Joe Theismann’s & Tony Kornheiser’s yaps for three hours? Poor Mike Trico! And who in the hell at ESPN chose to air an Oakland Raider game on Monday Night? These aren’t your father’s Raiders anymore!
During the three plus hour telecast, besides scratching myself to no end, gave me an opportunity to compile a list of things I’d rather be doing than watching Oakland do their damnedest trying to impersonate not just an NFL team, but any football team…And here’s what I came up with. ENJOY!
Surrounded by rottweilers while smelling of dog food
A dirty syringe pokes you
Your appendix bursts
Falling off the roof drunk while watching fireworks.
The girl you like turns out to be a man
Gamble away your rent money
Buy a puzzle at a yard sale for $0.50, and find someone's stash in it... and get busted for it.
Find a lump in your breast or testicle
Your dad and his pals walk in during your triple-X strip-show
Your mom walks in on you having sex
Walk in on parents having sex
Your fiancée walks in on you having sex
Get an ugly painful fungus on your face for 3 weeks
Have an episiotomy
10 minutes before your doctoral thesis defense you use a Listerine breath strip. Turns out the strip is your roommates acid.
Get pulled over for a minor equipment violation; the deputy finds your cocaine and then snorts the entire gram during six trips to the backseat of your car while you watch in disbelief from the curb. The deputy who snorted all of your cocaine still takes you to jail for possession and being under the influence, when he is the only one who has gotten a taste of it.
Get a DUI or DWI (whichever you prefer)
Your parents find a bag of weed
Realize that the animated movie you got for your kids accidentally got switched to an X-rated movie. And they have already started watching.
Accidentally reverse your vacuum cleaner
Jump onto a couch, not seeing the newly sharpened pencil lying on it which subsequently becomes lodged in your Achilles tendon or Ass (you pick)
Find an old copy of Hustler magazine and discover that your mom is the centerfold model
Your girlfriend, who has the ass of an angel, get warts on her butt. Girlfriend goes out to find another girl to participate in three-way with you, meets girl, falls in love and breaks up with you
Go to the doctor for an annual checkup and come home with meningitis
Lose a job you like or need
You carry a car battery and lean it against your shirt, then it burns a horizontal black line through your shirt across your gut.
Go to jail overnight
First visit to the OB-GYN. The same one your mom uses. After the exam, he says that you look just like your mom. Have a mastectomy
Your name is mentioned in your friends suicide note
Doctor tells you that he has to remove half of your brain, or else you DIE
Get trapped in a mine for 77 hours with 9 other men and no shower Get stabbed
Go to jail because of an idiot friend, and get stuck next to a murderer
Having a shelf load of gallon size paint cans fall on you and having to pay for all the wasted paint.
Your mom makes you a 4 arm alien costume from chicken wire and newspaper and teenagers try to rip off an arm while you are trick-or-treating
Snap off all four fingernails while trying to open a drawer
Go to the doctor because your wrist hurts, and he solves the problem by sticking a needle into your wrist and injecting cortisone along the nerve, causing you to scream
Leaving the pool hose on in your indoor pool so you can wake up to a wet squishy $1500 carpet in the morning where it came through the sliding doors
Drink too much at an office party and end up humping the leg of your boss while screaming I WANT TO F*** YOU RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! in front of all of your peers.
Contract Gangrene in a not so nice place
Somehow kill someone with a salad shooter
Walk into a lamppost while admiring yourself in a shop window
Get captured by guerrillas
Get left at the altar
Get attacked by a shark.
Limpale yourself on your ski pole in the process of trying to impress the hot ski bunnies
Nail your foot to the floor
Take a drink from the sink and your tongue gets stuck in the disposal
Eat a bee that stings the inside of your windpipe, thereby effectively shutting off your air supply
Find out you have a severe chronic mental illness
Your therapist keeps mentioning the benefits of electro-convulsive therapy
Fall face first in dog poop
Get cancer
Wake up in the refrigerator of a morgue
Lose body parts to frostbite
Kneeling before the toilet, about to heave, when dizziness takes over and you do a header into the bowl.
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Wake up with no memory of the night before and a huge pile of budgie feathers on the floor beside your bed.
Well into adulthood you realize that you passed up what would have been the best sex of your life because you instead bought into homophobic Christian bullshit.
Fall off a building and on the way down you snag your eyelid on a nail
While looking at Internet porn, you find pictures of your fiancee in a three-way
Find a dead body
Your first day of prison all the guys nickname you Fresh AssParty
Get infected with the HIV virus
Pass out drunk into the bonfire.
Realize that, yes, you are ugly
Try to light a tampon instead of a cigarette
Don’t realize until after you sober up the next morning that the girl you picked up last night is now planning on a sex change
The guys in the bar find out your wife left you for another woman.
After what seems like hours of passionate lovemaking, you ejaculate.
Then your woman asks you to hand her the vibrator…She runs off with your imaginary friend.
Realize your dog has a better sex life than you do
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Al Davis to Andrew Walter: "My friend, you've been kicked in the nuts." |
You don’t realize till after you sober up the next morning that the girl you picked up last night has a penis.
Wake up next to a really hairy homeless man with a bag of black tar cocaine in your armpit
Getting shot in the chest with a Roman candle
Put gasoline in the kerosene heater
Fall asleep and your wife cuts off your penis and then throws it out a car window
Your leg becomes dislocated, the doctor pops it back in and one of your testicles gets popped into your hip socket with your hip joint
On top of a skyscraper, you pretend you’re going to fall off to scare your friends, then you fall off
Get castrated...with an ancient (and rusty) tribal spear.
Your tongue piercing gets caught on your girlfriends intimate piercing, and you have to go to the hospital like that to get it fixed.
Your vasectomy went horribly, HORRIBLY wrong
GETTING A BOTCHED BOOB JOB
Write parking tickets for a living
Diving into a pool and coming up with a mouthful of wiggly mosquito egg water !!! GAG !!!
Listening to tales of the ex-girlfriend having sex with other guys.
A grenade goes off in your hand
Take a drink from a bottle full of piss
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Just before going under, your surgeon mistakenly identifies you as the man sleeping with his wife
Get buried alive
Live in Russia
Realize that you love homosexual activity and you've been with a member of the opposite sex for four years
Subpoenaed to re-blow the President on the senate floor because they must know *exactly* what happened.
Your Brain is transplanted into a cow, while a cows brain is transplanted into you
Get hypothermia, someone throws you into a hot tub, and you have a heart attack from the temperature change you
Decide to have fun with the pool filter and get your privates stuck
Mistakenly grab tube of Krazy glue when reaching for the KY
Live in Afghanistan and look like Bin Laden
Have someone takes a corkscrew and twists it into your belly-button then pulls it out slowly
Get boiled in oil
Cut up fresh hot chili peppers, go to the toilet and the searing pain reminds you that you forgot to wash your hands.
Get a prior sex offender notice from the guy next door the day after you asked him out on a date
You're halfway over a fence with one leg on each side when you realize that it is electric. You strain a groin muscle trying to get over before being shocked.
Marry a woman that vows to stay a virgin until the wedding night, you've been waiting forever to have sex w/ her and finally as she undresses you sees she has three nipples and two on her back
Being asked what your gender is, and the person not believing your answer
Get tied to your bed posts and then you get your balls popped by a wooden mallet
Have an affair with a hot, young intern and they just found the body
