Bear Down! A Very Special Tyrone Briggs Chicago Bears Report
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"The Bears are screwed." - Jay Mariotti
Or are they?
Based upon universally dogmatic principles and self-evident truths, Jay Mariotti is the indisputable expert on all matters concerning the Chicago Bears. After all, just ask the man himself. However, Jay is extremely busy right now reporting on the eighth wonder of the world, the Boston Red Sox. The following sloop was left in my email inbox this morning along with instructions to "do the City of Weak Shoulders proud ".
So bear witness to the incredulous prognostication abilities of Jay Mariotti.
Detroit Lions
vs
Chicago Bears
Offense
The Bears offense is just plain offensive. Brian Griese is nothing more than "an older, weaker-armed, thicker-sideburned version of the pitiful Rex Grossman" prone to "killing momentum with his horrendous gaffes". What kind of an idiot would actually opine that Griese is " an intelligent, mature and seasoned professional who gets it, as opposed to the young, deer-in-headlights project who has been fighting the cruel world since last October"? And what about that 97 yard touchdown drive last weekend in Philadelphia? Flukes happen and occasionally wayward lightening does strike. Besides everyone knows that Devin Hester, affectionately labeled by Jay as the "human Hummer" is the only effective weapon among a Bears arsenal of empty blanks that includes the hapless Bernard Berrian, butterfingers Muhsin Muhammad and pathetic 2 yards (and something) per carry Cedric Benson. Finally, Jay points out that Ron Turner's strategies are far more effective when Griese's helmet communicator breaks down.
Meanwhile, the Detroit Lions have legendary future Hall of Famer quarterback Jon Kitna. Jay greatly admires the quarterback's gumption for predicting a 10 win season and is tremendously impressed with a wide receiving corps that includes Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams. Mariotti has no real idea who are the running backs for the Lions but assumes that their current platoon is superior to the Bears' cement footed Benson and Adrian "No Not That Guy From The Minnesota Vikings" Peterson. The Lions scorched the Bears defense for three touchdowns in last game's fourth quarter alone.
Edge: Lions. Jay insists that Mike Martz is an absolute football genius because the man wears eyeglasses. Kitna will easily throw for at least 14 touchdowns whereas Griese might manage a singular first down.
Defense
As Jay eloquently states, "The Bears aren't playing football these days." When not busy crashing his Lamborghini on the Eden's Expressway and pouting about being franchise tagged, the football expert insists that linebacker Lance Briggs is the greatest Bear ever to proudly wear the navy and orange. Mariotti is dismayed that the underpaid Briggs is forced to play alongside monosyllable social deviate and media hating ingrate Brian Urlacher. Kitna will pick apart this "sluggish, battered and exhausted, worn down after years of constantly saving the hide of a clumsy, mistake-prone offense" Bears defense with a record setting performance. Lions wide receiver standouts, Williams and Johnson, are salivating at the prospect of pulling down Kitna launched missiles in the end zone all game long at the expense of Adam Archuleta.
While the so-called "Monsters of the Midway" resemble the Vienna Boys Choir more often than not, Lions General Manager Matt Millen has quietly and efficiently assembled the greatest defensive squad in NFL history. Jay cannot name one single player on the Lions defense but concludes a shutout at the expense of a Bears inept offense is all but certain.
Edge: Lions. Mariotti predicts that the Bears defense will collapse on Soldier Field from exhaustion. Urlacher will be in no shape for text messaging wayward ex-strippers over an ugly child custody battle for quite sometime.
Special Teams
The "Hesterizer" has more hilarious Mariotti monikers than any other player in journalism history, however Jay was greatly impressed with the brilliance of Andy Reid's clever strategy to avoid the standout at all costs on punt and kickoff returns. Rod Marinelli is the second coming of Vince Lombardi by Jay's books and will follow Reid's ploy to effectively neutralize Hester.
Edge: Lions. By default, since no opportunities for Hester equals no chance at big plays for the Bears.
Kicking Game
Jay once fondly reminisced his soccer days, "I played the game and have watched it around the world, from England to Italy to the Isle of Crete for a U.S. game during the 2004 Athens Olympics." If anyone appreciates the abilities of a foot and where it can be inserted, that person is indeed Jay Mariotti.
Unfortunately, Mariotti is glum to report that the kickers will be very bored during this match. Brad Maynard will punt the football after a few doomed three and out performances from Brian Griese's putrid offense. Whether the Lions start at mid field or on their own 20, it makes little difference with superstar Jon Kitna leading the attack. Robbie Gould will sit along the sidelines with backup quarterback Rex Grossman for the entire game unless the Bears elect to amuse their home crowd with futile 75 yard field goal attempts.
The Detroit Lions just happen to boast the greatest kicking tandem in NFL history. Jason Hanson will have the day off with the exception of performing obligatory kickoffs following the plethora of Lions touchdowns. Meanwhile, Nick Harris won't even be required to lace up his cleats as punting duties will not be required.
No matter the rationalization, Marrioti convincingly concludes that a minimally utilized Lions kicking game is far superior to Brad Maynard kicking a few punts out of bounds at midfield.
Edge: Lions
Coaching
The greatest mistake of Jerry Angelo's doomed career as general manager for the Chicago Bears was his unforgivable blunder to refuse shelling out the big bucks and sign Nick Saban to a lifetime coaching contract. "The Lovester" simply has no business pretending to be a NFL head coach despite taking his team to the Super Bowl last season. Jay squarely places the blame for the Bears dismal 3-4 season record upon Lovie Smith's shoulders and openly asks, "How can an NFL coach, especially one making $5.5 million a year, allow anyone's mindset to leap forward to February before first completing September, October, November, December and January?" while stating, "It's one thing to emphasize positive thinking, quite another to be delusional."
In contrast, Matt Millen is an absolute idiot savant when it comes to judging superior talent. As Jay would point out, all one has to do is point to Millen's draft record to fully grasp and appreciate the man's uncanny ability to recognize God given football ability. His hiring of Rod Marinelli was nothing short of a stroke of pure genius. without question, the dynamic duo of Millen and Marinelli will elevate the Detroit Lions into the stratosphere of NFL dynasties. Forget about the New England Patriots. The future resides at Ford Field.
Edge: Lions.
Mariotti's predicted score:
Detroit Lions 98
Chicago Bears 0
*Disclaimer: Tyrone Briggs has no purpose in life other than to rip Jay Mariotti and devote his allegiance to the Chicago Bears. The Bears of course will trounce the Lions with extreme prejudice on Sunday.
