Ashton Kutcher Recalls Meeting Jay Mariotti
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Maybe Kutcher and his famous pals should keep showing up as good-luck charms. He knew something the rest of us didn't. - Jay Mariotti
As told to Tyrone Briggs by Ashton Kutcher, Super Bears Fan
Hey dudes, this is pretty earlier in the morning for a dude such as myself writing to all you dudes about last night's Bears game. That was pretty crazy how our dudes beat those Green Bay dudes and won the game, man! So it happened just like this, before half-time, this little dude with slick black hair wearing Armani shrieks at me, Dems, Just and Jess and says something like, "Oh my God it's Ashton and Sexy!"
And I remember thinking, "Whoa dude calm down just a second before you have a coronary man!" Dems looked totally cheesed off (heh heh, I wrote that when we're in Wisconsin!) and pulled her tazer out of Prada handbag just in case things got a little wild. You hear what I'm saying dudes?
So I look at this little dude and say, "What's up with that haircut dude? Are you an extra on some Roman movie being shot 'round here? And little dude, Armani is like totally 2005, Boss is now rad."
And the little dude blushes like he's really getting totally Punk'd and replies, "I'm Jay Mariotti from Chicago! I'm famous just like you!"
I gotta admit dudes, I got real confused. I turned to Dems and asked, "Dude, who the hell is Jay Mariotti?"
Dems shrugged her shoulders and kept chugging her beer. Just and Jess just shook their heads as well. I'm thinking, "Dudes, this is not cool. We're talking to some old little dude that thinks he is just like us. That is just totally whacked."
I didn't want to be a bad dude and ruin the little dude's good time but I am here to watch the game, do you hear what I'm saying? So I tell him, "Hey dude, why don't you just chill out a little man and just watch the football game? It gonna start real soon again."
But the little dude just wouldn't go away. He rambled on about writing about sports in a big time super important Chicago newspaper. And I'm wondering, "Dude, they still make newspapers?" Then the little dude said something about being on ESPN and writing 8 or 9 times a day for his new blog. So to be a caring dude, I just real nicely suggested to the little dude, "You know it isn't really that cool to blog man! Don't you have kids or family or friends to hang out with? Dudes need dudes!"
And then the little dude started to cry. I started to feel real bad for ruining his good time. He turned towards Jess and asked, "Hey Alba girlfriend, how long you been dating my Sexy?"
Justin got real mad real quick. So I jumped in, "Hey little dude, totally not cool! That's Jessica Biel! You cannot be like, totally disrespecting people like that!"
It was really growing into a bad scene in our private box. Imagine this dudes, here we are like, totally trying to watch the football game and we cannot get rid of the little dude at all. Our good vibe was totally twindling. And then the little dude said, "Hey Justin, I've loved you since you were in Backstreet Boys!" and started to sing:
I'm bringing Rexy back
Them other boys don't know how to act
I think you're special whats behind your back
So turn around and I'll pick up the slack
Take em' to the bridge
At this point, Dems got real mad. I love my woman but don't get me started about telling you dudes what she is like when pissed off. Dudes, it was so serious. And Dems yelled at the little dude, "Shut the F@#! up already! We're trying to watch the damn football game. Leave us alone or I'll whoop your ass real good! I practice Kabbalah!
Hey dudes, lemme tell ya that it got real quiet, real fast. The little dude's face hung real low and he shuffled off. I think he might of called Dems a "B*tch" but I don't know for certain. Just and Jess started to totally mack out on each other and I got to watch the rest of the game. It was super cool to watch Brett Favre fall apart at Lambeau Field.
And oh yeah dudes, the Bears totally won! Sweet!
You know what dudes, this blogging stuff ain't that hard after all! I think I'll check out with my agent on how I can get paid doing this or something when I get back to our crib. This is nowhere near as hard as doing Punk'd!
Peace dudes.
Please note that Tyrone Briggs has no seemingly purpose in life other than to rip Jay Mariotti.
For more on Chicago sports, please visit AngryOrange55 & Jay the Joke.
