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The Real Sporting World: Audition Tapes
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Before we join our unsuspecting athletes let’s take a look at what got them here: They’re winning audition tapes! The athletes did not know what kind of show they were auditioning for. All they were told was that it was going to be the best show ever made. And especially made for them. The producers knew this was a fib, but judging from the videos they got, many of the athletes were very gullible and went all out in hopes they’d get on the show. Well, that and they all jumped at the chance to feed their ego.
As a quick, but unfortunately necessary disclaimer, these are not real videos and this isn’t a real show. You’ll have to actually use your imagination. If you don’t have one, than you should do okay as long as you can read things and then comprehend everything in your brain on the fly. Live a little! Who will make the cut? Are we ready? Cue the videotapes!
Kobe Bryant
Kobe Bryant appears on video. Kobe is wearing a Team USA shirt and appears to be trying entirely too hard. If you look hard enough, you can spot different Michael Jordan memorabilia around his house. “What’s up, it’s Kobe Bryant! Maybe you remember me from those Sprite commercials or more recently, for being the best basketball player to ever play the game!” Kobe pauses, almost as if he's not sure how the blasphemy he just uttered will be taken. He quickly recovers, fake-laughing, “Just kidding. One of the best players ever, at least! I don’t know what you got going on with this show, but I want in! I am game! Put me in the game coach!” He starts nervously fake-laughing again. A voice from off screen can be heard faintly. It sounds something along the lines of “Stop trying so hard, dumbass!” Kobe stops laughing and shrugs his shoulders. “I mean, I’ll do it I guess -- if you need me. I got a lot of other stuff on my plate, you know. Better get back to me soon.” He nods, reassuring himself that he just sounded legit.
Roger Clemens
Roger Clemens appears on video. Roger is wearing an unbuttoned baseball shirt with a money symbol for a logo. He also has shorts and sandals on and he has a big, shit eating grin on his face. “Hello, my name is Roger Clemens and I have never taken steroids.” Someone whispers something off screen. “Oh, wrong video? Oh, okay.” He looks back at the camera. “Hi, I’m Roger Clemens and I do whatever it takes to get the job done! Absolutely whatever it takes!” He pumps his fist, a look of realization slowly dawning on his face. He quickly adds, “As long as it’s legal of course.” He nods. “And I will do whatever it takes to get on this show!” He turns and picks up a glove. “Even if it means not playing baseball this year, something that I haven‘t done often.” He turns and throws the glove into a small bucket, which is apparently supposed to be a trash can. “If you pick me,” He begins jabbing his chest with his finger, his face getting red and his voice getting louder, “THE ROCKET WILL NOT DISAPPOINT YOU!” He then steps back a bit and looks back at the camera, attempting to flash a charming smile. Key word there is attempting.
Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning appears on video. He is completely overdressed, wearing a suit and tie with a Colts blue handkerchief in his breast pocket. He is sitting at a table with lit candles, a bottle of wine and several glasses. “Good evening, I’m Peyton Manning. Whether or not you have enjoyed me on the football field, I know you have seen my ventures elsewhere on T.V. Because of this, I think you could say I know my way around in front of a camera!” He stops talking and grins for several moments. It is noticeably awkward. “I’m not going to waste your time going through the many pros of having me on your T.V. show. There are too many to fit on this film. Nor am I going to list the cons, because there aren’t any. Instead, I will leave you with just one phrase. One phrase is all you need to remember and I’m confident you will choose me for your show.” He pauses, apparently trying to build tension. Again, it is incredibly awkward. “Peyton Manning is a winner!” Peyton gives a nod of approval, taking this all very seriously.
Manny Ramirez
Manny Ramirez appears on video. He is in his pool, wearing yellow rubber duck floaties and Scooby-Doo swimming trunks. “Heylo, this is Manny Ramirez! I know what it take to win! You know? Do you like my floats?” He motions to his floaties. “I reeeeeally, reeeeeeally want to be on yours show! I am not gone lie! Put me on yours show and I will do stuff like so!” Manny turns around and runs down by the side of his pool, turning to jump. He fails to do a complete flip, doing a colossal belly flop instead. He remains underwater for a bit until he comes to the surface and swims towards the camera. He clearly has the belly flop stomach ache but is trying to play if off. “Just Manny being Manny!” He smiles, shrugging his shoulders, trying not to grimace.
Alex Rodriguez
Alex Rodriguez appears on video. He is wearing his full Yankee garb and has a baseball bat leaning over his right shoulder. Although it doesn’t appear to be sunny at all, A-Rod is wearing sunglasses. “Hey you! I’m Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees. I heard about your show and realized I would be the perfect fit. I was saying to myself, I have everything they would want someone to have for their show!” He leans his head back and rolls his eyes, like he just can't believe such a coincidence has happened. “ I give one hundred and fifty percent all the time! I’m always on time! I’m loyal.” Alex glances at someone off camera after this last statement. It sounded a bit half-assed. He quickly turns back to the camera, convincing himself this last part was true. “Yeah, I’m very loyal! And I’ll be all those things to you all if you choose me for your show!” He turns sideways and gets into his batting stance. “If you choose me your show will be…” He swings, “Out of the ballpark!”
Tom Brady
Tom Brady appears on video. He’s lying down in what appears to be his backyard, with his hands behind his head and some dogs running around. “What’s up ladies. I’m Tom Brady and you’ll soon be seeing me on a new T.V. show about…” He trails off, realizing he doesn’t yet know what the show is about. He improvises. “It’s… well, it’s about me!” He grins, pleased with his recovery. “That’s right ladies, you can soon see me, Tom Brady, dog lover…” He pauses, glancing somewhere behind the camera. He grits his teeth, repeating himself, “I said, Tom Brady, dog lover!” A dog suddenly appears out of no where, running every which way but to Tom. He tries to lean over and grab the dog but he just runs away, eventually peeing on the hose hookup. “Oh Lilac, you bad boy!” He nervously grins at the camera, and then gives a thumbs up. Yes, you read that right. A thumbs up.
Mark Madsen
Mark Madsen appears on video. He’s dressed in full pick up basketball attire complete with headband. He is crouched in an incredibly low defensive stance. Probably too low to effectively play any actual defense. He slaps the ground with his palms. “YO! I’m Mark Madsen, or maybe you know be by my nickname, Mad Dog!” He slaps the ground again. “WOO! I am psyched to be on your show! I will provide all the energy, I promise. Why do you think they call me Mad Dog?” He starts shuffling from side to side. “Not to mention, I’m a great motivator! If your down, I WILL PUMP YOU UP!” Mark slaps the ground again, does some more shuffling, casually stands up and walks towards the camera. “Give me a high five.” He holds out his hand and begins walking towards the camera. “Pick Mad Dog and I won’t let you down.”
LaDainian Tomlinson
LaDainian Tomlinson appears on video. He’s dressed in his powder blue Chargers jersey with a football helmet on his head. The visor is down and he can be seen jogging in place for a bit until he stops. “Afternoon! I’m LaDainian Tomlinson, or L.T. for short. I heard you were making a video?” He takes his helmet off and flashes a grin. “Well, I’m your man. I’m not sure if you know it, but I am incredibly classy. Everything I do just oozes class. Grocery shopping? Classy. Getting the paper? Classy. Making an audition tape for the best show ever? You guessed it!” He starts chuckling. “Classy!” If you want a top notch athlete who is polite and gets along well with others than you need to put me on your show!” He puts his helmet back on. “You won’t be disappointed!” He then sprints off the screen. Yes, seriously.
There you have it. Eight athletes. Eight distinct personalities! Little do they know they’ll be thrown into a house together for eight weeks. There's no more eights, I promise.
How will they interact? How long will it be until there is the inevitable drama? Will they all be able to stay the eight weeks? Are you riveted yet? No? Well, you will be I promise. Expect many twists, turns and of course, the hilarity that comes with locking these particular athletes together under one roof.
Stay tuned for Episode 1: The Arrival.
