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Are Your Pants “Heated” Like Ms. Josh Brown?
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Forgive me for not chiming in on this yesterday, but I had a busy "Hump Day"! Like we all should have! There’s nothing worse than poking keys on hump day when one should be poking something else! Honestly though I had to get my Colgate smile worked on, (or in my case Crest) everything checked out good so I don’t have to be concerned about setting a metal detector off the next time I pass through. My day wasn’t just that…No sir! Afterwards, I went all over God’s creation looking for some "Hot Pants"! The exact same kind as, (although in a smaller size…and no, I’m not trying to indicate anything ) Seahawks kicker Josh Brown will be wearing when his team does battle with the #2 seed Green Bay Packers in the "Frozen Tundra" this Saturday evening. I believe the correct terminology to describe them is " heated warm-up pants " that are installed with " battery-powered heaters for the calves, thighs and hamstrings ."
Brown told KIRO Radio that " no matter how low the temperature drops his legs will be 75 degrees ". What he neglected to mention is that the misses will be kicking in Green Bay this weekend instead of him and whether or not these "hot pants" will be (hot or pastel) pink with purple poke-a-dots or whether they’ll be something of the see-through variety? And of course, will they be with or with lace? Don’t get me wrong I love "see-through", but for the love of God, don’t do that! My personal opinion, go with the lace kind…It matches you cleats better! As if your life doesn’t suck already! I wonder how many fans attending the game in Lambeau Saturday are going to try and stuff the tailgating Weber grill down their britches before entering the gates? My guess is none… So with that said, I guess they just have bigger cajones than you! See pansy ass, they aren't afraid of a little cold weather.
Poor Bitch, (I mean Joshy) has to rig his pants with heaters like he’s a freaking walking Cadillac Escalade on the sideline to keep his calves, thighs and hamstrings warm. This would potentially be excusable if Wisconsin was in for temps dipping into negative numbers…A great technique that most likely would’ve came in handy for that damn "Ice Bowl! Instead it's going to be around a balmy 28 degrees. I want to know what happens during the course of the game if it starts raining, sleeting, snowing, or any damn combo one can think of will Brown get electrocuted like he’s a dog at Michael Vick’s house? How awesome would that be to see! I can just see the headlines now! Some teammate needs to give him a Gatorade bath to in fact see how the "hot pants" take on water. Are they in fact water-shock resistant?
Speaking of which, why doesn’t his teammates jump on board the "Hot Pants Express"? Oh yeah, that’s right…All his other teammates have "grapes" down stairs! Though this is actually a pretty ingenious idea. In the past, kickers used to have to stay warm by stretching on the sidelines or practicing field goals until their number was called upon — oh the humanity. Now, with heated pants not only can little Joshy keep his grapes warm, but by doing so he’s proven what everybody has known all along…That kickers aren’t actually players! Brown has removed any actual work he has to do to earn his paycheck in between the mere 77 plays that he had to take part in of the 1000s that the Seahawks executed this season. I can just see it now…"A kicker no "hot pants" clause will be adopted by "kickers fraternity" next season to somehow try and escape this humiliation that Brown has brought to all kickers! And somewhere Morten Anderson’s kicking himself in the grapes over all of this shit! Hell, Super Jock has bigger grapes than you!
Although fellas, we shouldn’t deny that we sometimes get "hot pants" too! Honestly mine ignite the moment I step into the Vagina R' Us gentleman’s club! Or perhaps this video might fire the pants up a bit? Though I must warn that this comes with a "Hot Pants" warning! None the less sit back for the next 2:35 and see if this can start a fire in the britches! Enjoy…Oh yeah, and don’t poison yourself!
God Damn, Hulk Hogan doesn’t have nothing on this broad when it comes to ripping the shirt off! Look for her to be coming to an episode of the "All New American Gladiators! And for Alice Cooper’s, well, he’s still doing his thing! Rock on Brother!
1) this article was done 2) half the team is wearign them 3) it is a sad day when people are so bored they have to rip the kicker 4) the kicker is playing football, somethign none of us could do 5) this story is WAY overplayed. 6) would you have preferred he talked smack about favre? during the playoffs (with the exception of Stevens) Holmgren keeps their mouths shut, so this is all that came out of practice.
If he had dropped some WORTHY message board material everyone would be ripping him for that.