A Guide to Dealing with the Internet’s Dumbest Ideas
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by user SlickBomb
WARNING-- EXPLICIT CONTENT
Internet message boards have a kind of depraved and moronic democracy about them that is a function of their very design. Nearly everyone is anonymous, nearly everyone is opinionated, and nearly everyone is very, very stupid. No matter how ludicrous an idea is, your local Internet mouth breather, perhaps spurned on by the equally degenerate sports talk radio, “pitches” (pun intended) the next brilliant idea on said message board that will save their team’s season. This is a tacit request for an affirmation of the poster’s own brilliance, the result of which can only be described as an intellectual bukkake-fest at its most raw.
Since all people post and comment on everyone else’s ideas, they expect kindness and professional courtesy from fellow posters when discussing the issues. However, I am not a member of your forum, and I am not a citizen in your democracy. I am an anarchist, and much like Bad News Hughes, I am constantly “striving to find a way to punch people in the face by using the Internet,” and I respond to dumbshit ideas the way a militant fanatic would if you drew stick figures of his prophet. Using this mentality while cruising the net, I unleash my righteous fury like the fist of an angry god, unload all chambers, and turn their little corner of sand into glass. If you want to forcefully deal with the Internet’s dumbest ideas, consider your post as the Internet sports version of a drive-by shooting’ except everyone lives, the only participants are a bunch of nerdy guys, and no one will ever receive a strongly-worded letter from the Williams’ sisters. Examples are below:
"Jason Bay would be a wonderful acquisition… If [the team] want[s] Bay [the team] will have to offer some serious talent in exchange... Clay Buchholz, Wily Mo Pena, Craig Breslow, Travis Hughes, Hunter Jones..." -- alt.sports.baseball.bos-redsox
I’ve been reading this website for all of five minutes, and already I want to give you a Cleveland Steamer. The Pirates are the most poor and worthless team that has ever disgraced the modern era of baseball. That being said, do you really think they’re going to give up their best player, and the only man preventing massive LA-style riots in the city of Pittsburgh, for all of the Red Sox useless crap? Hell no! Will their crap make the Pirates better? When you’re the worst team in baseball, of course it will. It still doesn’t mean they’re dumb enough to do it, and it doesn’t mean you’re not an idiot for presenting such a thoroughly moronic idea to the world, that makes everyone who reads this site on their great journey of life feel a little worse for the road. I hope you get botulism, and then you get AIDS, and then your AIDS infects your botulism, and then the two combine like fucking Voltron and you get bitchulism. And then you die from bitchulism because that’s what you are-- a fucking punk bitch. Lick my balls. Go back to throwing pizza at decent people, braying Sweet Caroline like the drunken fool that you are, and hurling racial epithets at Torii Hunter, you shit-faced cock-gobbler.
"The Mariners All-Star outfielder Ichiro Suzuki will be a free-agent after this season, Ichiro has made it clear that he wants to play for a winner and baring something big that wont be Seattle. So what should Bill Bavasi do with Ichiro? The answer is trade him before the July 31st deadline." -- MarinersWorld
Quit smoking pot, hippy, and try (if you are still mentally able to) wrap your mind around something other than my massive fist. Ichiro is the most popular player the Mariners have, perhaps most popular player ever, and is the only thing keeping the team even remotely close to yearly playoff contention. Go ahead! Trade Ichiro! We’ll all fantastically watch together as all of the Japanese fans simultaneously leave like they’re fleeing Godzilla (who, by the way, is nowhere near the player Ichiro is in terms of talent and yet is still more popular). And who pray-tell will replace Ichiro? The Adam Jones experiment? The next overpriced free agent signing that becomes worse via bad coffee and grunge music? You are so dumb that I want to ear fuck you. Not because I’m gay, and not because my penis is small enough to pull it off. I want to do this because I want to know what it feels like to poke someone’s brain with my dick, and you are so mind-meltingly stupid, that tiny pea that keeps you functioning must be leaking out your ear. Die slow.
"Trade Nomar, Kent, or both? This thread is inevitable, if these guys continue to be average and Kemp and Loney continue to get better, could these 2 be used in a trade for a big bat? Because at this point I would rather keep Gonzo as crafty veteran." -- ProSports Daily DodgerBoard
I understand people out Los Angeles don’t really understand the concept of “baseball” and “trades,” so I’ll break it down for you real simple-like. No one, and I mean, no one, will trade anything even remotely resembling a big time bat for two dinosaurs whose best years of their career ended seven years ago. So why would any sellers trade away their gems for Nomar and Kent? For a little piece of “Grit” and “Hustle”? My taint has grit and hustle. Maybe you can throw in a salary for it as well. I want to cut the skin off your face, lube up my cock, and use your face-skin to masturbate. Because I’m a nice guy, the next time I see you, I’ll staple the "nasty-mask" back on upside-down so that you’ll see out of your mouth and you’ll eat through your eyeballs.
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The ancient Romans were the creators of great works of art and literature, but their crowning physical achievement was the salting of the Earth at Carthage. Three times the Carthaginian populace rose up against the Roman conquers, and three times they were crushed by the wheels of empire. In a lesson to all who defied her, Rome burned Carthage to the ground, and salted the Earth where she stood, so that no thing would ever grow or live there again. It remains to this day the only man-made creation that can be seen from space. That and the great wall of China.
The point is, if you want to deal with the Internet’s dumbest ideas, salt the Earth where they stand, and nothing will grow there again AKA a scorched earth policy. Embrace the anarchy, and by following my examples above, you will now be equipped to trounce the stupidest ideas on the Internet. Don't forget to on your war face, unleash all hell, and don’t ever try to pull your punches.
SlickBomb is an avid baseball fan engaging the appetites of his curious mind. He has conributed to Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, and regularly writes for the comedy baseball blog OnTheShow. Check out that site if you want to see this article but with pictures and video. You can write him at SlickBomb-at-gmail-dot-com. He will now stop talking in the 3rd person.
