A Bills Fan Simul-Blogs the Monday Night Football Game
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by Wade Garrett
7:00 - 8:30pm: A lame opening in which Tony Romo had his balls gargled by Tony Kornheiser, Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski, Chris Berman, and half of the State of Connecticut.
8:30 - 8:35pm: Tony Kornheiser says that Dallas should "pound Buffalo like veal." In other news, NFL.com's front page features a close-up of Tony Romo with the caption "Mr. Perfect." God, I hate Tony Romo.
8:35 - 8:37pm: In the interests of equal time, ESPN allows two Bills fans to take the audience on a video tour of Buffalo's heavily Polish east side. For two brief minutes, the screen is filled with fat Italian men waving out of pizzareia windows, fat Catholic priests waving out of the doors of their churches, and fat old people waving to the camera from the tables of a bingo hall. Thanks, ESPN>
8:38pm: Mike Tirico gives the obligatory "these are good people here in Buffalo, they really deserve to get a home Monday night game more than once every thirteen years."
8:45:pm - Kickoff, only 15 minutes later than scheduled. Funny how that works. Terrence McGee dances too much on the return and gets stuffed at the 19.
FIRST QUARTER
15:00 - 13:00 The Bills go 3-and-out
12:50 Bills punter Brian Moorman, client of Greater Buffalo Savings Bank and quite possibly better at his job than anybody in Ralph Wilson Stadium, takes a fake put 14 yards for the first down. Then, he is hit with a blatant late hit on the Bills' sideline, which goes uncalled.
12:50 - 11:00 The Bills go 3-and-out. Again. Brian Moorman pins the Cowboys back at their 1 yardline.
9:30 - After the Bills stop two straight running plays for no gain, Tony Romo drops back and hits a wide-open George Wilson (note: he's one of Buffalo's safeties) who returns it thirty-some yards for a touchdown. 6-0, Bills.
9:30 - 7-0 Bills.
9:00 - 7:55 - The Cowboys take their time driving to midfield. Romo drops back and finds a wide-open Aaron Crowell. (Note: he's one of Buffalo's linebackers.)
7:25 - Trent Edwards completes a wide-receiver screen pass for a short gain. Camera cuts to a close-up of Terrell Owens, in the words of Mike Tirico, "checking up on" Tony Romo. Anybody want to bet this ends badly for the both of them?
7:14 - Marshawn up the middle for a short gain. Camera cuts to a close-up of Tony Romo sitting on the bench with his head down, staring at his feet. Suddenly you don't look so cocky anymore, do you, Tony?
6:00 - The Bills line up to go for the 4th down conversion. Marshawn gets hit in the backfield and dropped for a loss.
5:52 - Tony Romo take the field again. Hand-off goes for a yard.
5:21 - Romo drops back and air-mails a square-out over Terrell Owens' head and 15 yards deep into the Cowboys' sideline. The Buffalonains applaud ironically.
5:11 - Romo can't get the play off in time; the Cowboys are flagged for delay-of-game. The Buffalonians are in a legitimate frenzy.
4:33 - Kornheiser, on the Bills' pre-snap re-alignments, intended to confuse Tony Romo, who, lest we forget, is only making his 14th career start: "It looks like they're playing musical chairs."
4:18 - Marshawn gets stuffed at the line of scrimmage.
3:04 - After a screen pass goes nowhere, Trent Edwards hits Roscoe Parrish (one of my favorite names in professional sports) for a first down. This seems like an appropriate time to mention that the injured player Parrish is replacing is named Peerless Price.
1:56 - Edwards has all the time in the world, but ends up checking it down to Anthony Thomas. The Bills' receivers are totally unable to get open downfield. Also, of all the adjectives announcers can apply to your running back, "salty veteran" probably isn't the one you would prefer to hear.
0:50 - Romo evades pressure, rolls out of the pocket, and hits Jason Witten over the middle. Let's hope he's not starting to regain his confidence.
SECOND QUARTER
13:33 - After two short completions, Romo drops back, gets smoked as he releases the ball, and lucks out when the Buffalo defensive back drops a sure-fire interception.
12:51 - Terrell Owens makes a spectacular 14-yard catch, gets up, celebrates, spikes the ball, and gets flagged for a 15-yard penalty. That worked out pretty well for Owens, don't you think?
12:09 - A wide-open Jason Witten blows right past the linebacker guarding him and catches a 22-yard touchdown pass from Tony Romo.
11:30 - Edwards finds Marshawn Lynch on a screen pass for a 23-yard gain. This guy's got great hands.
9:20 - A series of short passes and inside hand-offs. The Bills are playing it pretty close to the vest with the whole "brand-new rookie quarterback making his second career start on a big stage" thing.
8:58 - Edwards takes an ill-advised 9-yard sack. He's still got some learning to do.
7:43 - On third-and-8, Edwards finds Lynch for a first down. We're starting to warm up to this combination. On the next pass, he finds Robert Royal for eight more yards. Edwards is now 11-for-15.
6:03 - Good news: Edwards is now 12-for-16. Bad news: He just hung Roscoe Parrish out to dry. That crunch could be heard all the way to Cheektowaga.
4:21 - On third-and-goal from the 5 yardline, the Bills run a play-action pass that goes for one yard. Jack's take: "Somewhere, Kelly Holcomb is smiling." The Bills kick a field goal. The drive took 8:43 off the clock, which is approximately five minutes longer than any drive J.P. Losman has ever engineered in his life. 3:25 - After the kick-off, Romo takes the field again. Mike Tirico points out that Romo's first two pass attempts were intercepted, and that the last time this happened in an NFL game was 15 years ago, when the Broncos' Tommy Maddox found Dallas Cowboys with his first two passes.
3:15 - HOLY SHIT! On first down, Tony Romo has his pass tipped straight up into the air by Chris Kelsay, who casually catches it for a touchdown. Jack sprints to the other side of teh apartment, sprints back, and jumps into my arms. We exchange a hearty round of high-fives with the other roommates.
3:13 - The subsequent kick-off goes for a touchback. Romo takes the field yet again. This time, they go with a hand-off up the middle. I wonder why?
3:00 - Tony Romo throws ANOTHER interception, this time to the Bills' Jamari Greer. Jack and I are just giddy at this point. 1:23 - After a couple of low-risk passes and a beautiful deep ball negated by a holding penalty, the Bilsl are looking at third-and-8 from the Cowboys' 40.
1:10 - The Bills are late getting up to the line of scrimmage and have to call a timeout. ESPN shows a graphic stating that the last NFL quarterback to throw four interceptions in a half was Kyle Orton. Tony Romo, you've just been compared to Tony Romo on national tv.
1:00 - ESPN cuts straight from a close-up of the distraught Tony Romo to a Suzy Kolber sideline interview with Bills hall of famer Jim Kelly. Really, this couldn't be going any better for Buffalo fans.
0:59 - Another low-risk pass brings up fourth down. What follows is an awkward sequence in which the Bills bring the punting unit onto the field, followed by a Cowboys timeout, followed by the Bills sending their field goal unit onto the field and missing a 54-yard field goal.
0:30 - Romo lofts one down the left sideline to a well-covered Terrell Owens, who drops it out of bounds.
0:18 - Romo finds Sammy Hurd over the middle, followed by a quick spike and a Cowboys field goal.
HALFTIME. Buffalo 17, Dallas 10.
THIRD QUARTER
All they talked about at halftime was "can Tony Romo recover from his awful first half blah blah blah." ESPN is starting to redeem itself.
15:00 - The Kickoff return goes nowhere.
13:15 - A weird Julius Jones run on third-and-short results in his jumping through a hole in the line of scrimmage, getting up, running six more yards, and getting tackled.
12:58 - Another jump=ball pass from Tony Romo. Terrence McGee gets a bead on it, but a surprisingly deft play from Terrell Owens, essentially playing defensive back, breaks up the play at the last minute. That's two very near picks, in addition to the four he's already thrown. I hope Carrie Underwood mentions this the next time he drunk-dials her for a booty call.
12:45 - 10:50: Rome's finally starting to look good - moving the pocket, rolling to his right, finding open backs and ends on crossing routes.
10:35 - Terrell Owens drops a wide-open screen pass. Suck it, Terrell.
9:18 - Terrence McGee makes a gorgeous play to deflect Romo's pass on Dave Anderson's corner post-up route.
9:08 - Bills linebacker John DiGrigorio makes a gorgeous diving play to nearly pick off yet ANOTHER Romo pass.
9:02 - Fourth down. Nick Folk kicks a 29 yard field goal; 17-13, Bills.
8:48 - Terrence McGee takes the ensuing kick-off and takes it back 103 yards for the Bills' third return touchdown of the night. 24-13, Bills. Pandamonium in Orchard Park, New York.
8:48 - ESPN's acouncers make a point of complimenting the Bills' fans for the third time tonight.
8:45 - An inadvertent facemask on the Bills somehow goes for a 15-yard personal foul. Curious . . .
7:50 - How did a minute come off the clock already?
7:36 - Terrell Owens catches a forty-yard pass from Romo, but lands out of bounds. Owens and Romo continue their stellar outings.
7:31 - An errant pass from Tony Romo bounces off of Terrell Owens' fingertips. Keep flapping your gums, Terrell.
7:22 - Move-the-chains type pass from Edwards to Reed for 11 yards. Edwards' accuracy continues, but he still hasn't really thrown downfield yet.
6:44 - Marshawn up the middle for a hard yard. If they don't find a way to get this guy outside of the tackles sooner or later, he's doing to end up walking like Earl Campbell.
6:03 - On third-and-nine, Edwards checks it down to Robert Royal, who breaks it for 18 yards and a first.
4:28 - Short pass to Roscoe Parrish, who dances too much, then is tackled by his facemask, which somehow goes uncalled. Curious . . .
4:00 - A bizarre reverse call by Dick Jauron results in a three-yard loss and approximately 12,974 western New York heart attacks.
3:41 - Moorman's punt goes out of bounds at the Cowboy 9 yard-line. I'm telling you, nobody in the NFL is better at his job than Brian Moorman.
3:35 - Mike Tirico reminds us that its been 13 years since Buffalo hosted a Monday Night game. I think the last time the Bills played at home on Monday night, Jerome Bettis was growing up in Detroit.
3:30 - Romo scrambles for a short gain, losing his helmet in the process. The referees bail him out by calling a "grabbing the back of the helmet" penalty on the Bills, which nobody in the stadium, or in the booth, or watching at home, has ever heard of before. Curious . . .
2:20 - A nice-looking screen pass to Julius Jones gets the Cowboys a first down.
0:58 - After a couple of short gains, the Cowboys call an all-too-foreseeable play-action pass which nonetheless goes for a first down.
0:13 - Another Romo pass is deflected, but the Bills' defense is beginning to look tired.
FOURTH QUARTER
15:00 - Romo fumbles the snap, then fires incomplete to Jason Witten. Romo's current stat line: 16/33, 1 touchdowns, 4 interceptions.
14:47 - The Cowboys kick another chip-shot fieldgoal. 24-16, Buffalo.
13:50 - A perfectly charming interview with Thurman Thomas.
13:20 - Trent Edwards holds the ball for an eternity and takes a bad sack.
12:45 - Edwards can't find anybody open, stumbles around in the pocket, fumbles, recovers his own fumble. It is now 3rd-and-30. Jack: "Somewhere, J.P. Losman is smiling."
12:44 - They end up calling it 3rd-and-29. My bad.
11:58 - Another booming Brian Moorman kick. Its too bad this guy is married.
11:20 - Cowboys' ball at their 27. Kornheiser: "We've already talked about how Romo grew up in Wisconsin, idolizing Brett Favre. If we have time to talk about him later, we'll get back to this." Um . . . if we have time to talk about him later? What is there to say about him that you didn't say in your five fawning pre-game featurettes?
11:18 - Romo gets pressured, steps up in the pocket, gets hit and fumbled. Hig
9:51 - On first down, Roy Williams horse-collars Anthony Thomas. Thomas is immediately taken out of the game. Gee, this is called the "Roy Williams Rule" for a good reason. I can't wait to see the 15-yard penalty on this one.
9:50 - Um, somehow the refs called an unintentional facemask penalty on another member of the Cowboys. Roy Williams gets off yet again. They didn't call the linebacker's late hit out of bounds, either. Curious . . .
9:49 - I swear, if I ever see Roy Williams in an airport or something, I'm going to horse-collar tackle him and blow out both of his anterior cruciate ligaments.
8:00 - Marshawn Lynch goes off right-tackle for 14 yards. Man, this guy is tough.
7:03 - Lynch gets his hard on an inside hand-off. Tirico: "He just had the hammer dropepd on him." Thanks for that.
6:21 - Trent Edwards in the shotgun. Let's see how he does. Oops, a lofted throw to Lee Evans on the outside gets tipped, then picked off, and returned 70 yards to the Buffalo 25. Lee Evans, pursuing from behind, forces a fumble at the 25, which bounces closer to the Bills' goal line before being recovered at the 17. Well, that was awesome.
5:33 - On first down, Tony Romo drops back and throws a 25-yard pass . . . INTO THE ARMS OF JOHN DiGiorgio, who runs it out of the end zone and all of the way to the 40 yardline.
5:32 - FIVE INTERCEPTIONS! Take it all, Romo! 5:21 - Come on, offense! A first down or two is all we need.
5:21 - The Bills run for a yard. The camera cuts to a close-up of Terrell Owens biching out Tony Romo on the sideline. Don't tell me I'm the only person who saw this coming.
3:53 - The Bills run a totally uninspired drive takes ninety seconds off the clock; Brian Moorman bombs a 65-yard punt into the Cowboys' endzone.
3:45 - The Cowboys get the ball back. Come on, defense! One more stop is all we need.
3:08 - Completion.
2:54 - Completion.
2:40 - After a couple of short gains, Romo's pass bounces off his receiver's hands, then off of a surprised Terrence McGee's chest before falling safely to the ground. Romo, that was almost #6.
2:33 - Completion.
2:05 - Completion. Fuck.
1:57 - Completion.
1:29 - Completion.
1:22 - Completion.
0:53 - Incomplete pass. Moral victory for the Bills.
0:47 - Completion. This is getting ridiculous.
0:40 - Completion.
0:24 - Romo to Romo just went 9-for-11 on that drive. Lob pass to T.O. for the conversion?
0:20 - Incomplete! Another round of high-fives and Miller Lites get passed around the room.
0:18 - Shit! Dallas recovers the onside kick, after its man touched the ball just inches across the 45-yardline. Also, apparently only two seconds came off the clock during that whole ordeal, despite the fact that the Dallas player slapped it forward and it bounced a couple of times before it was recovered. Curious . . .
0:05 - Tony Romo's pass to Terrell Owens is caught on the Bills' 27-yard line.
0:05 - No! He dropped it! No catch!
0:05 - Wait, now its possible that Dallas rushed up to the line of scrimmage and spiked the ball before the referees were able to rush in and stop the clock in order to review the play upstairs.
0:13 - Incomplete! But they put 13 seconds back on the clock.
0:07 - Short right pass for 7 yards. Now we're really in trouble.
0:02 - Cowboys field goal.
0:02 - No! Dick Jauron called timeout before the ball was snapped. Do-over.
0:00 - Cowboys re-kick and make a 52-yard field goal. Shit.
11:58pm - Well, the Bills' season is now officially over. I am now going to drink myself into a stupor.
