2007 Fantasy Monster!
| 18
|
by HachiCachi
I am going to take this opportunity to publicly out Tom Brady for completely ruining the fantasy season for every owner who doesn't have him.
Tom Brady is not the QB for the New England Patriots, he did not go to Michigan and he has not won three Super Bowls. The REAL Tom Brady was a 6th round draft pick who backed up a pitcher at Michigan and had a few Super Bowls fall in his lap thanks to a great scheme.
This guy who is putting up video game numbers is a farce! He is a genetically engineered Frankenstein-esque QB monster created by new NFL Commish Roger "Stalin" Goodell to drum up ratings and create parody in the AFC, which was dominated by Peyton last season.
I have compiled a list of the parts, which Goodell had to clone in order to erect this monster I now refer to as "Bradystein."
1. Joe Montana's arm: Bradystein doesn't have a cannon but his accuracy is pinpoint and he has the ability to make every type of throw if need be.
2. John Elway's Brain: Elway is a guy that took a lot of crap for a lot of different reasons but damn near ALWAYS made the smart decision. And Bradystein is almost assuredly going to sell terrible beer (Coors) and cars as soon as the season is over.
3. Steve Young's Patience: Young sat behind Vinny in Tampa Bay and then Montana in San Fran. But when Montana got hit by a Mack truck named Leonard Marshall in the 1990 NFC Championship game, Young took the reigns and rode that train all the way to a horrible yellow jacket. Bradystein got stuck behind the "Statue of Bledsoe" in New England and it looked bleak for Goodell's monster. But when Mo Lewis decided that Drew's pectoral muscle didn’t need to be attached to his sternum anymore, Bradystein was born.
4. Phil Simms' Balls: Since Simms, has anyone made more out of nothing than Bradystein? Simms' top receiver in 1986 was Mark Bavaro... a tight end! All I am saying is if Bradystein can make Deion Branch a Super Bowl MVP, you know something screwy is going on.
5. Joe Namath's Looks: Ok so maybe in retrospect Joe Willy wasn't the prettiest guy in town, but in the 60's he was a golden god! Women's panties used to melt when Namath smiled. Bradystein has a staggeringly similar effect on the fairer sex. Even though you could lose a Cadillac in Bradystein's chin cleft, he has been on more magazine covers lately than Hillary Clinton. I'm just waiting for December to come around and see if Bradystein dawns the fur coat ala Broadway Joe.
So there you have it! The five key elements that went in to creating Roger's monster. I figured you out Goodell! No more lies! No one is really as good as your 2007 version of Brady, No One!
