10 things that will happen on Monday Night Football – Pats @ Ravens
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by Crackajg
Welcome to a new installment on Football Crack: 10 things that will happen on Monday (or Thursday) Night Football. In it, we will explain 10 things that you can expect while watching that night’s game. Some of them will be satirical, obviously, so if you’re a factual whore, please leave now. Thanks.
PATS @ RAVENS
10.) Ray Lewis will suffer a career ending injury from his pre-game dance.
9.) Kyle Boller will prove to the world he sucks balls… again.
8.) Ben Watson will catch two balls for twenty three yards and inadvertently cause my fantasy team to lose it’s seventh straight game. (FYI: For my team to win, I need a 110 yard, 1 TD game from Watson and for Donte Stallworth to shit the bed and pretty much not do anything at all – I know, I’m being entirely too optimistic here, but give me a break – I’ve lost six straight games.)
7.) The Patriots will cover the spread. If I wasn’t throwing all my money into an online affiliate venture that is going to make me thousand upon thousands of dollars in a few weeks, I would definitely take the Patriots giving the points in this one. And then they would only win by 19 and I would continue drinking Jim Beam until I blacked out… If you don’t know, now you know… that I suck at predictions.
6.) Lawrence Maroney will finish the game with 3 rushes for 8 yards and a touchdown. I live in Boston and I don’t have a fucking clue why he’s not being utilized more. He has to be injured, he just has to be.
5.) Something will occur in this game that has to do with the Patriots and will be talked about ALL fucking week on sports talk radio.
4.) The announcing team will not know how they should comment on the Patriots, so they will have tons of varying comments ranging from them being the best team in the league, to them being the meanest team in the league. Also, they will coin a new ‘Madden’ term along the lines of:
“If the Patriots kick a field goal, it won’t be as effective as a touchdown.”
But as we all know, the Pats don’t kick field goals. Field goals are for pussies.
3.) I will drink way too much and probably pass out before the game is over. That is unless the Ravens pull an Eagles and succeed in some crazy bullprint that keeps the game close. I’m pretty sure Billick will try the exact same blueprint as the Eagles did last week, which will in turn result in the Patriots winning by thirty points. So, I’m not too worried.
2.) They will show Troy Smith on camera at least once. Honestly, why don’t they throw this kid in? I played as him in Madden and although his accuracy wasn’t too good, he was really fast and helped my team cruise to a 12-4 record. However, I am the fucking man at Madden, so that’s neither here nor there.
1.) The first reference to next week’s Pats/Steelers game will occur once the Patriots take a 21-3 lead in the first quarter. Bank on it.
