1/3-Season HACKING MASS All-Stars

Seeing as how we're finished with just about one-third of the 2006 MLB season, I thought it might be a pretty good time to bust out the early Hacking Mass all-star picks. For those who don't know, "Hacking Mass" is the name of Baseball Prospectus' annual fantasy baseball contest. The rules are just like real fantasy baseball, except one tiny little difference: instead of picking the players you expect to do well, the object of the game is to pick the players you expect to play the worst. Players are awarded points for the profundity of their suckitude -- pitcher points are calculated by (ERA-4.5) * IP/3; hitter points are equal to (.8-OPS) * PA. Note also that playing a lot is as important as playing poorly, because staying in the lineup/rotation when you're obviously one of the worst players in baseball is a special skill indeed. So, without further ado, here are the early-season Hacking Mass All-Stars:

National League

C: Yadier Molina, Cardinals - Okay, so he's a very good fielder, but .172/.228/.209? Yikes. The sad part is that his backup, Gary Bennett, has been just as bad: .185/.228/.259. Somebody get the Cards a catcher!

1B: Lance Niekro, Giants - Good Hacking Mass 1B's are hard to find, especially in the NL's DH-less domain, but I'll go with San Francisco's Niekro here. That punchless .240/.295/.337 line is worth an EqA of .215, extra-horrible considering his position. Also recieving votes is Adrian Gonzalez of San Diego, who could eventually make up for being a slightly better player than Niekro by getting a lot more playing time. Let's hope it happens, Adrian!

2B: Kaz Matsui, Mets - Could it be anyone else? And could he be any worse? Matsui's OPS is .537 right now... To put that in perspective, that's 37 points lower than Cristian Guzman's 2005 figure. Yeah. It's that ugly.

SS: Clint Barmes, Rockies - A line of .190/.212/.291 when your home park is Coors Field really needs no sarcastic remarks behind it, you know?

3B: Vinny Castilla, Padres - Speaking of Coors Field... Imagine the culture shock, going from Coors to RFK and Petco -- you can't really blame the guy for tanking. Still, when Geoff Blum is looking like a preferable alternative...

LF: Preston Wilson, Astros - I thought that that park would rejuvenate him, but I guess not. Wilson hasn't played as badly as some others, per se, but he's seeing a lot of PA's, which always helps in the Hacking Mass derby. Put Eric Bruntlett in already!

CF: Juan Pierre, Cubs - A total shoo-in for the NL's Worst Offseason Acquisition, Pierre's .234/.270/.293 line is a big reason why Chicago's offense is the second-worst in the bigs, ahead of only Kansas City's. Hey Juan? To steal bases, you actually have to get on base first. Just saying.

RF: Jose Guillen, Nats - Jose was looking like a pretty decent player two years ago, until his little tantrum with Mike Scioscia... Now, he's a total wreck (.212/.252/.380). The moral of the story: Don't mess with Scioscia. I hear he's radioactive or something...

P: Dewon Brazelton, Padres - Brazelton hasn't pitched that much, but he's packed a lot of awfulness into his 18 innings: an ERA of 12.00, including a home run given up every three innings. When even Tampa knows that you suck, you might want to look for another line of work.

American League

C: Jose Molina, Angels - Another Molina brother, huh? You ever heard of the term "good glove, no hit"? Well, it was made for Jose, whose .170/.189/.261 line evokes sweet memories of Ron Karkovice. Did I just refer to Karkovice memories as "sweet"? Yes, I did. Don't judge me.

1B: Dan Johnson, A's - You know, for the game's smartest GM, Billy Beane has a couple of Hacking Mass machines on his roster... Take Johnson, for instance, who's ostensibly keeping First warm until Daric Barton hits the scene, but is making A's fans pine for a Scott Hatteberg level of production. That .266 OBP doesn't sound very Beane-like to me, no matter how good he is defensively.

2B: Aaron Hill, Blue Jays - Since last year's All-Star break, Hill's been a total stiff at the plate, closing 2005 with a .221/.299/.308 line, and starting 2006 at .244/.282/.338. The only saving grace is that he's a good fielder, but the grounds crew at Rogers Centre would have to, like, funnel the infield towards second so that all grounders went there just for him to be able to make up for his offense with the glove. A funneled infield would be totally cool to see, by the way.

SS: Juan Uribe, White Sox - Sure, Uribe's .201/.239/.315 performance looks bad, but he will probably get untracked and have a better second half to the season; he'll have to, considering that backup Alex Cintron is playing just as badly. Still, a .192 EqA when you're on pace to have 552 AB's is pretty nasty. No wonder Ozzie's so pissed off all the time. That, and the fact that the feds just found out he was stealing cable.

3B: Adrian Beltre, Mariners - Poster child for the "monster walk-year after being a general disappointment in every other year of his career" phenomenon, displacing Greg Vaughn and the 1999 Reds. You just knew that this would happen to Beltre eventually, maybe as karmic retribution for the years of underachieving in L.A. when he actually could play. Too bad the Mariners were stupid enough to shell out $12.8 million/year for it...

LF: Jay Payton, A's - Another Beane pick... On pace for 600 AB's, the sheer magnitude of Payton's playing time will greatly aid his Hacking Mass cause. That, and his .273 OBP. At least he can play a little defense, though, something he only shares in common with just about everyone else on this list.

CF: Joey Gathright, Devil Rays - Gathright reminds me a lot of Otis Nixon. Too bad it's the 1999 version of Nixon that had a .541 OPS... When's Rocco Baldelli coming back again?

RF: Rondell White, Twins - We saved the worst for (almost) last. White has played so badly (.192/.209/.231) that, if he stays healthy, he has a real chance at breaking Cristian Guzman's 2005 record for position-player futility. And there's no end in sight, really, unless you count Joe Mauer's occasional DH-ing gig. And Minnesota paid $3.25 million for it. If he does break that record, I wonder if MLB will celebrate...

P: Josh Towers, Blue Jays - Last, and certainly least. Towers has been a Hacking Mass workhorse so far this year, pitching 45 innings (that's 10 starts) at an ERA of -- get this -- 9.00. His walk rate has exploded, and so has the ball off opposing hitters' bats. I doubt he keeps up an ERA of 9, but if he does, we could see the pitchers' record for futility fall as well during this season -- a historic confluence of excreble play indeed.

So those are the All-Stars one-third of the way through the season. Sadly, it's too late for newbies to enter the Hacking Mass contest at this stage of the season, but keep these players in mind -- they may end up helping your team (and simultaneously hurting their own) next year. Anyway, hats off to our All-Stars, and may their lack of skill be an inspiration to us all.